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I just… don’t think I can do that. There’s too many things I need here, and… I can’t leave it all behind. Okay if it makes you happy, I “won’t”. But please don’t make me try to explain, just know that I have very good reasons. 😕
I totally agree w/ Kirin too. I can understand your reluctance tho. The one thing i do think you need to press is those damn doctors to get your medication adjusted so you can start feeling better physically. I thought it was two weeks and then evaluate?
Anyway, just like Kirin said, we are here for yah!
I agree with Kyrin too! It does sound like there is definately something wrong with your Mom, and I agree you should consider getting out of there! We are here for you! *hugs*
PaperCut wrote:I just… don’t think I can do that. There’s too many things I need here, and… I can’t leave it all behind. Okay if it makes you happy, I “won’t”. But please don’t make me try to explain, just know that I have very good reasons. 😕
Who says you have to leave everything you value behind?
I am sure we can come up with ways to keep them safe from your Mom, and you could take some things with you.
First thing first though, we need to get you feeling a bit healthier physically. When is your next evaluation?
I think once you start feeling stronger, and your meds have had a chance to make you feel better, you will start to make some baby steps towards independance.
But I really don’t like the idea of you spending your life locked up with your derranged mother. You really need a better future than that, and while you don’t believe me now, you can have it.
Anyway, hang in there, I guess when you reach your limit, you’ll do something, hopefully we’ve given you some good ideas on what to do once you reach that point.
Kyrin
Wait, you… can you bring things with you? Like games, books, (maybe a Windstone?) and such? O.o; But I wouldn’t have my computer, and I wouldn’t be able to watch my anime shows late at night, would I? They’re pretty much the only things that keep me (mostly) sane. 😕
I haven’t scheduled another appointment with my endocrinologist yet. I’m supposed to do a 48-hour urine test to see why my cortisol level is so high (I’m guessing stress but she wants to make sure it’s not from the brain tumor). I’ve got the jug and everything, but I’ve just been too nervous to do it, so what’s the point? If I’m nervous the cortisol level will be high anyway. Ergh. Anyway after that’s done with I’ll make an appointment… I guess. She’ll probably send me for another blood test and I’ll pass out again. *twitch*
PaperCut wrote:Wait, you… can you bring things with you? Like games, books, (maybe a Windstone?) and such? O.o; But I wouldn’t have my computer, and I wouldn’t be able to watch my anime shows late at night, would I? They’re pretty much the only things that keep me (mostly) sane. 😕
Of course you can bring things. Do you have a laptop? Your anime you might need to record and take with you that way, or have some of us record them for you and send you tapes every week, I could do that, easily and would. I wouldn’t take more than a couple Windstones, the others I would mail out to forum members for safekeeping so your Mom couldn’t wreck them while you are gone. I’d consider calling up one of these places and asking what you can bring, but I imagine anything that would help make your stay easier would be supported and encouraged.
I haven’t scheduled another appointment with my endocrinologist yet. I’m supposed to do a 48-hour urine test to see why my cortisol level is so high (I’m guessing stress but she wants to make sure it’s not from the brain tumor). I’ve got the jug and everything, but I’ve just been too nervous to do it, so what’s the point? If I’m nervous the cortisol level will be high anyway. Ergh. Anyway after that’s done with I’ll make an appointment… I guess. She’ll probably send me for another blood test and I’ll pass out again. *twitch*
Relax, pick a day where things are relatively calm around there, and do the test, don’t worry about the results of it, just do it. The results are just a starting place so your doctor can get your general levels so she can help adjust your meds, and if they are a little off at first, that is okay, they will get adjusted along the way until they do what they need to do.
Can’t help you with the blood test, but you got through it once, you can again, though this time I would ask them for their best blood taker, so you don’t get stuck a million times again. Don’t put the test or the appointment off much longer, you really need to get your meds working right as soon as you can, so set a goal to have the test completed and the appointment made by say Wed. next week. If you have a time frame for yourself, you are more likely to do it.
Keep going, you will be well soon, and then you can start working on the problems you deal with daily.
Oh I also wanted to tell you congrats, you made it through a period of time alone in the house without melting down completely and got yourself under control and feeling okay “before” the parents got home…see I knew you could! *hugs* Good job! If you can do it once, you can do it again. Just knowing that will help you through next time they leave.
Keep us updated, and keep trying, you can do this, you will get better and you will rebuild and be able to get out there and work, play and be a part of the world soon. Just need to keep going and not let anything stop you, especially your mother!
Kyrin
Yes, you can take things with you to the hospital to keep you busy. I wouldn’t take anything valuable though, that’s just asking for trouble. Most units will have a TV room, most will even have computer access (but make sure to wipe and information like passwords and site history before you log off). Bring books to read, bring paper and pencils, bring all the art supplies you want, though sometimes they have that stuff available too.
I have to agree with Kyrin, it’s time you got away from your crazy mother before either of you do something you might regret.
Well see, she’s not *always* like that. As long as I don’t mention any of my problems or complain at all she’s fine. But if I even mention that I’m nauseous or whatever she completely freaks out. O.o It’s just hard for me to keep my mouth shut when I’m in so much pain half the time…
I think over half of your problems come from your mom and leaving will help alot. Even if its scary. I think she is damaging you and you are letting her. When you were little, you may have had no recourse, but now you do. Get up. Get out.
skigod377 wrote:I think over half of your problems come from your mom and leaving will help alot. Even if its scary. I think she is damaging you and you are letting her. When you were little, you may have had no recourse, but now you do. Get up. Get out.
Hey hon, wish we could be there to help, and as you know, I agree with ski. 🙂
Go ahead and bring in the sample for the cortisol level, and when you drop the sample off be sure you tell the doctor or technician that your home life has been super-stressful lately. If someone there is silly enough to say, “Why not wait and submit the sample later?” then tell them that unfortunately your mom has some emotional issues (that’s vague enough to be polite 😕 ) and that she has been unpredictable lately. It’s really important for you to keep moving ahead with the doctor and getting your meds regulated. And yes, yes, YES talk to the doctor about your mom’s behavior! Your doctor needs to know! Tell him or her about the panic attacks and also how your mom reacts whenever you mention that you don’t feel well. Her reactions are way out of line: she doesn’t have any excuse for being so awful, hunh-uh, no way. Her reactions clearly indicate that she’s unstable on that subject. Your doctor will immediately realize that your mom’s behavior is affecting your recovery . . . and should jolly well want to do something to help you!
Getting away from your mom is a thought. I know that’s got to be the most scary thing in the world, leaving your home, but we need to get you at least out of the house for an hour or two. Maybe a day or two. Or longer. You need some one-on-one time with someone who will listen to you, pay attention to your problems, and not be affected by your mom. A professional in the emotional health field should be able to figure out pretty darned fast that your mom is not an unbiased source of information! And anything she says about your illness has to be taken with extreme caution.
Hang in there!
It’s really important to know that nothing your mother tells you is about you. NOTHING!!! It is about her. There is a very wise book called “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz and the 2nd “agreement” is “Don”t take anything personally” Nothing!! Somtimes I give my clients Q-tips and I say “Do you know what that is?” They say “yes, it’s a Q-tip.” I say “It’s a reminder: Q-T-I-P Quit Taking It Personally” Nothing your mother or your father say about you or to you is about you,it is about them. They are living in their own world and looking at things through their eyes which is completely different from the world you live in. It is difficult not to take things personally when someone is yelling “You! You! You!” But it is still not about you. They are the ones who are yelling. It takes practice not to take it personally, but when you really get that it isn’t about you and detach from taking it personally, your life will ease up a lot. I have a crazy sister who was my master teacher for this and when I finally got it that what she was doing and saying wasn’t about me, I could stop trying to have a “normal” relationship with her, love what I could and ignore the rest, set appropriate limits with her and not get my stomack in a knot about her behavior. Tis did not happen overnight! But it has made a lot of difference in my life with everyone else too (including people who cut me off on the freeway!) The other important thing to know is that none of this is your fault. You didn’t do anything to make your mom crazy and you can’t fix her or love her out of it. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Even if you were sick as a baby, even if whatever, that is not to feel guilty about, it is not your responsibility to fix your mother or make her happy, that’s her job. Your job is to make YOU happy. OK? OK! One more thing: They were right about the breathing, it’s the best thing to do for panic attacks. It also helps if you can imagine breathing in light colors like pinks and light greens and yellows and breathing out the dark colors like browns and grays and muddy colors. OK? I know how hard it is to have to live with someone who is unbalanced and mostly panic attacks come when one feels helpless and trapped and powerless. Often it helps to know that nothing is forever, so take a “mini-vacation” in your head and go to a beach or the mountains or some place that is sacred to you, relax, and just “be there” for awhile. Keep in touch. Drgnlvr
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