- This topic has 18 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 16 years, 7 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
The cardboard deconstruction is the best!
Read my books! Volume 1 and 2 of A Dragon Medley are available now.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/mybooks.htm
I host the feedback lists, which are maintained by drag0nfeathers.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htmPhysics According to the Cat
* Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force — such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.* Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.* Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.* Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.* Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.* Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.* Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.* Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.* Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.* Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.* Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a humans desire for her to do something.* First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.* Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.* Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.* Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.* Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.* Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.* Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.* Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.* Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.* Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.* Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace his own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.* Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.* Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.* Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.Found on http://www.edmontoncat.ab.ca/catinfo.php?selector=3 The Edmonton Cat fanciers Club
Cat Proverbs
“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.” — Dave Platt
“Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer.” — Bruce Graham
“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” — Unknown
“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” — Anonymous
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” — Jeff Valdez
“In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” — English proverb
“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” — Ellen Perry Berkeley
“One cat just leads to another.” — Ernest Hemingway
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.” — Mary Bly
“Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” — Joseph Wood Krutch
“People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.” — Faith Resnick
“There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.” — Anonymous
“I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” — Hippolyte Taine
“No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me.” — Unknown
“There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” — Albert Schweitzer
“The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” — Ernest Menaul
“Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.” — Unknown
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.” — Colette
“Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” — Missy Dizick
“You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.” — Colonial American proverb
“Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.” — Joseph Wood Krutch
“I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.” — Unknown
“My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes.” — Unknown
“Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.” — Unknown
Also Found on http://www.edmontoncat.ab.ca/catinfo.php?selector=3 The Edmonton Cat fanciers Club
Cat Manual or a Guide for Caring for your Owner
1. I will not laugh when my master chases her tail.
2. I will be ready to play whenever my master is.
3. I will not let my master in/out “when I feel like it”.
4. There must always be food in my master’s dish.
5. I will graciously accept the wildlife offerings from my master.
6. I will watch where I put my big feet.
7. I will not fuss when my master is patrolling the table/kitchen counter/dresser for prey.
8. I will not chase my master with the awful noisy vacuum cleaner.
9. I will supply my master with toys and will not begrudge him if he decides to find some new ones on his own.
10. I will not move my master no matter where she decides to sleep.
11. I will share any can of tunafish that is opened.
12. I will not make fun of my master’s weight.
13. I will not stick my finger in master’s mouth when she yawns.
14. I will keep the master’s litter box as clean (cleaner than) the human’s bathroom.
15. I will be sure that my masters are comfortable in bed, only then will I arrange myself around the available space.
16. I will provide only the choicest morsels for the master’s bowl, not poultry scraps.
17. I will take thousands of pictures of my masters, and show them to everyone I ever meet.
18. When my master is sleeping on some portion of my anatomy, I will not disturb him or her by getting up to attend to such mundane matters as answering the telephone or going to the bathroom.
19. I will not complain when my master steps on the break key, or settles down on the computer keyboard.
20. I will not come home smelling of other cats or (even worse!) dogs.
21. I will not move my hand while my master is busy washing it.
22. I will change my masters’ litterbox at the first sign of stink, not when they have to get the point across by whizzing on the comforter.
23. I will gladly roll onto my other side when my master paws me on the cheek at 3:30 am so she can “snuggle.”
24. I will not “fraternize” with other cats.
25. I will not assume my master is done reading the newspaper just because she/he is no longer looking at it or just because I am done with that page.
27. I will not assume my master doesn’t like whatever is in the can I am opening.
28. I will not surprise my master my kissing her while she is sleeping.
29. I will not brush my master when he jumps up on my lap just to be petted.
30. I will not spike my master’s food with medicine.
31. Attempting to hide catnip from your master is useless, so don’t bother.
32. I will not ignore my master’s signs to tell me when to start/stop petting, cuddling, playing, etc., no matter how subtle they are.
33. I will not talk on the phone when my master wants me stare at her and talk nicely to her.
34. I will not answer the phone when I come home if I haven’t fed my master yet.
35. I will *not* pet my master while she’s taking her bath!!
36. I *will* feed my master on demand. I will *feed* my master on demand. I will feed my master on *demand*.
37. I will not talk on the phone unless my master gets a chance to say “hi”.
38. I will get an ice cube and throw it on the floor whenever my master requests one.
39. I will share the spicy bean dip with my master.
40. I won’t shove my master out of the middle of the bed.
41. I will not weigh Taboo.
42. The human will not say “Ewwww gross” when the master sneezes and then licks the snots off her fur.
43. I will retrieve all the foil balls and toys from under the sofa and refrigerator each and every day.
44. I will change the litter at least once per day.
45. I will feed my master all he can gorge.
46. I will *not* go to work and leave the kitties alone all day.
47. I will leave the lingerie drawer open so that my master may strew my undies around the apartment for his amusement.
48. I will not close the bathroom door thus separating myself, however momentarily, from my master.
49. I will let the kitties play with the hamster.
50. I will not place my *insignificant* belongings on the royal resting places (aka coffee tables, nightstands, and dressers), nor scold my master when (s)he pushes them off.
51. I will not rush at my master when she is concentrating on balancing on the inch wide balcony rail 25 feet in the air to see how the dog and I react.
52. I will not pull my master out of the trash bin when she is busy inspecting its contents.
53. I will refill the water bowl no matter how many times my master tips it over.
54. I will leave the potting soil where it belongs — on the floor.
55. I will leave the toilet seat up so my master can investigate.
56. I will let my master sleep on my notes as I’m trying to study. (I’m sure I can read through the fur if I try hard enough!)
57. I will not turn on the water when my master is napping in the sink.
58. I will let my master chase my highlighter as I’m trying to highlight texts.
59. I will not highlight my master’s nose and ears in fashionable neon colors.
60. I will not de-flea my sister’s new master in my master’s bathroom and expect my master to forgive me right away.
61. I will not try to ignore my master when she comes over to join my phone conversation, because since no one else is in the room, I must be talking to her. (Who would *really* be talking to a piece of plastic anyway?)
62. The human will not stare at the master while she is doing her business, however, the master is permitted to stare at the human in various states of undress and/or physical activity.
Original author unknown
Same as previous 2
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
