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I’m a very emotional person-not always bad, just that I experience lots of different highs and lows throughout the day/week. Some people-nothing phases them-me-Im the opposite. I hate it! I was having a super stressful time several months ago and went to see a doctor. She told me I was depressed (which, I suspected anyway) and gave me Zoloft. I’m almost a little embarassed to even admit that. In high school (Im 25) my friends made fun of me because I was so happy all the time….and I liked unicorns-so one of my friends personified me into a blue my little pony unicorn with a rainbow for its symbol and called me “Rainbow butt” 😛 and another friend would joke that if someone was having a bad day, I’d beat them with a giant sunflower until they were happy. I know people change, especially in 7 years time, but I liked who I was then-and Im not so happy with who I am now. It was like-when I turned 22, my childhood ended and I became this stressful adult.
I recently got back, on the 6th from Tennesee with my boyfriend, Josh, and his mother. We drove, spent time in the Cumberland Gap, no email, no phones, just relaxation, watching the fireflies at night.
I came back very happy and stress free.
Sunday night, Josh’s parents invited us over for dinner. His sister and her husband were supposed to show up too.
At dinner, she told everyone she was pregnant. She, who said she never wanted kids, she who considered her dogs her children. I was shocked, and I think everyone thought she was kidding at first.
back story: I don’t like kids. I stronly dislike babies. If they are kids of an immediate family member, they’re cool. My younger cousin Alex is 13 and he’s awesome, and his sister Jillian, who is 5 is cool, although she’s so shy, she never talks to me. Last time I was over, she hid in the bathroom and refused to come out. That’s her thing-that’s cool, whatev.
I know it sounds ridiculously stupid, but when I was four, I watched “Look Who’s Talking”. Watching that woman SCREAM and be in such pain, terrified me of ever having kids. It literally scarred me for life. 21 years later, my opinion stands. I have lots of reasons I won’t bore you guys with, but I just dont want kids. I’d rather have fur babies-dogs and cats etc. and I’d rather spend my retirement travelling the world, not paying someone’s college bills. I think the whole thing is over-rated. Procreating was good back when the populations were low and before anyone had anything better to do than harvest the fields, sew by candle light and raise the chillins. Call me cold if you want, but that’s my insight on it, personally. Its a very strong, deep rooted opinion Ive had my entire concious life.
and now we’re back. Josh’s sister told everyone she was pregnant. Josh’s mom cried. She didn’t think she’d ever be a grandma. She had JUST told her parents “Neither of my kids want kids” while we were visiting them in Tennisee.
Josh said he was proud of his sister-I asked him “For what?” Like, congrats, yes, its something she wanted and something she got, but proud? I honestly didn’t get it.
This offended him to the umpteenth degree. He didn’t talk to me the whole night, until we got home. Then we argued, he screamed, and he almost broke up with me over it.
Josh’s opinion on kids changes like a celebrity’s girl/boy friend-like the weather in Houston-often and without warning. Some days, he’s all “I hate kids” and other days he’s “I love kids” but its been, and still is, really, a non issue.
I’m open to the option of adoption one day-like adopting a KID not a baby-like a 10 year old or something. But I’m enjoying being an adult, and doing what I want at this point in my life.So we fought, and then we talked, and talked, and I cried buckets, and it seemed that we reached some kind of truce. He wasn’t outwardly upset with me when we went to sleep that night, but I felt so distant from him-I felt like a stranger, like I couldn’t be close to him-and he was taking up the whole entire bed anyway by laying sideways, so I slept on the couch.
That was Sunday. Here it is Tuesday and I still feel that cold anxiety. I’ve worried sooo many hours, days, weeks, that one day the “kids” issue would seperate me and Josh. I’ve indirectly asked him lots of times if he’d ever break up with me and he always says no, but I’m afraid he’s just telling me what I want to hear, and afraid that his true feelings are kept hidden.
We are perfect for each other-soul mates-but that one issue is something we dont always agree on. Josh is the best guy in the whole world, and I’m terrified of losing him. I believe that things like this will work themselves out-maybe he can’t even have children (which is a possibility due to some healh issues hes had in the past) and we’d have to adopt and maybe it wont be for another 15 years and it will be okay. But right now, today, I’m so worked up over it, its all I can think about. I can’t get this damn anxiety to go away. The Zoloft makes me kind of numb, so Ive lost interest in all the activities I normally enjoy. I still love my Windstones, but when I look at them, I don’t feel the joy and the excitement I did just a few weeks ago. I do things out of instinct rather than how I feel. This is kind of beneficial because I can focus a little better.
I don’t know how to get my mind off of it. Monday, I didn’t even want to exist. I just wanted to sleep all day, or crawl in a dark hole or something. I still feel like Josh is upset with me, even though he hasn’t been acting like he’s upset. Part of me wants to cling to him and part of me wants to go far away and not see him-or go visit my mom for the day and be alone. These two sides have been pulling at me since Sunday night.
Heck, most of the time I don’t know if what Im feeling is normal or if I’m just over reacting. You guys are the most awesome people I “know” and I feel like I can identify and fit in with people here-so maybe someone has some comforting words or advice on how to clear my mind, or get my mind around it and mentally move on. Ugh.
Kids are one of the super core-issues of a relationship. It always scares me when I see a couple that have different opinions on if they want children or not. One of my closest friends is in this position (she does not want, he does) and it really scares me for their future.
I hear you re: kids. Right there with you. Luckily my husband feels the same. I’m sorry I don’t have any good advice. I just wanted to support you. <3Volunteer mod- I'm here to help! Email me for the best response: nambroth at gmail.com
My art: featherdust.comI’ve never had children and am glad for that choice. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself let alone a child. I’m happy with my fur and feather babies. Children belong to those who really want them and are willing to make that big sacrifice for their well being. There is nothing wrong with not wanting children; it isn’t like we’re a heartless bunch but recognized within outselves that this isn’t what we want to do.
Don’t feel alone in being depressed and anxious–there are more of us feeling this way than you realize. I know because I’m one of them. I was feeling so low that I had made the decision not to be one any more forums save for this one and even then my appearances would be spotty. I agree, this place is great and we do have some wonderful and supportive members. That’s why I’ll keep this one–everything else [I’m still on Facebook as well because of my sister] is going by the way side.
I do see a bit of myself in your post–there was a time that I was always smiling all the time and when I think back on it, I don’t know if I was happy or just prentending to be. I look at my life and feel anxious–just scared of what is just lying beyond. I shouldn’t be like that but I can’t help it–it’s there.
With the child issue, it would be something you need to find out if your boyfriend wants or doesn’t want children because this will be a major issue if you two don’t agree. You also need to ask yourself if you’re afraid of losing him because you truly love him or does he bring some measure of security in your life? Let things cool and then have a heart-to-heart talk.
I agree, I’m happy for someone who has become pregnant but I wouldn’t exactly say I’d be proud of them. Like what’s the accomplishment? Deciding not to have children can sometimes bring its own pressures–people wonder why you don’t want kids like, what’s wrong with you? I used to get that all the time until I just blurt out that I didn’t want any. That seems to shut them up. But deep down, I always get the feeling they don’t approve and think I’m cold.
You’re not alone in your feelings. I sometimes think I’m just a step away from being on meds. Life is just very hard to cope with right now for a lot of us.
I’ve been dealing with depression sense I was a teen and that was a long time ago . As for babies . I don’t like them either . I never wanted baby dolls as a kid . So your not alone in this . Older childern at least you can talk to them and they have personalities .
Babies never did a thing for me .
I don’t think there is anything wrong with it . Not everyone wants kids . I’d make a bad parent . I have had dogs and cats and they are childern to me . At least they love you no matter what .I strongly dislike children. I know it’s a super hot topic, but I dont feel an ounce of anything towards them. EVEN my relatives, I usually wont have anything to do with my cousins until they are at least a teenager. I’m really empathetic towards animals, but I feel nothing for children. My mother has known for a long time that any grandchildren she gets wont be from me (I guess it’s good that two of my siblings already have children to fill that void). Thankfully my significant other feels the same way, there has never been any question.
However, I have helped other couples have children. I’ve donated eggs five times. It is very likely that genetically my DNA has passed on, but I feel nothing for it. I like knowing someone else can have a child if they want though. If that’s your thing, go for it I say. But keep them away from me and mine until they are of an age to respect the world and people around them.
Wolfen, I think your other half needs to come clean on what he wants in this life. You or kids. Because you seem like me in the ‘no babies’ department.
I never wanted baby dolls as a kid . So your not alone in this . Older childern at least you can talk to them and they have personalities .
Babies never did a thing for me .
I don’t think there is anything wrong with it . Not everyone wants kids . I’d make a bad parent . I have had dogs and cats and they are childern to me . At least they love you no matter what .Yes! I never liked dolls either. I played with MLP and Grand Champions. Older kids are okay because yes-they understand when you tell them “no” and they have their own thoughts and feelings. And my parents were almost “ideal” parents-they were firm but not mean, fair, and loved me to the ends of the earth-still do-and for that I am super lucky, blessed even-but even then, the ungreatful little snot of a kid I was, I hated my parents from first grade until maybe I was 19. That’s what? 9 YEARS of the being you love so dearly (your kid) not loving you (parent) in return. My cats love me whether I’m beautiful, ugly, happy, sad, angry, peaceful, or whatever. And even if I get mad at them for something, I always appologise and they’ve forgiven me the next day and are snuzzling my face at 6 AM.
And my cats are great because they are inexpensive to maintain-$30 bag of food lasts them 3 months, and they are low maintenance-love them, hug them, feed them, and clean their box and they love you. No drama, just appreciation. Well from my cats. Ive had cats in the past who didn’t show much appreciation haha
I told Josh I wanted to be “dating”/together for 5 years before we even talk about marriage. July 4th was 3 years, so at least another two years if not longer.
He doesn’t see the point in getting married if kids aren’t involved-like, they would be the only reason to get married so everyone has the same last name. He thinks otherwise, why not “stick to what we have”? Which Im okay with for now. I’d love to get married, but if we don’t, it won’t be the end of the world for me. He says he wants a family so he can pass on his knowledge-I tell him, you can be a teacher and do that.
I dont think he really knows what he wants out of life yet. He’s 23 and only recently out of the “party” stage. Its like on our favorite show, How I Met Your Mother-Lilly is looking for a new job and one day she wants to be a bee keeper, the next day a marine biologist, the next day she wants to be a poet-and she keeps changing. So Im just trying to lay low with him until he decides when hes older. “Yeah, let Future Ted and Future Marshall deal with it” but its hard on some days when I don’t know what’s going through his head. I can usually read his mind and predict what he’ll say or do, but, on serious topics, I never know.
I do really appreciate everyone’s words. Many of the people I know in town/”real life” are so…”normal”. The guys work blue collar jobs and the girls all want babies. Not many “outside the box thinkers” in this town. Or maybe they’re just hiding. *hugs* to everyone.
He doesn’t see the point in getting married if kids aren’t involved-like, they would be the only reason to get married so everyone has the same last name. He thinks otherwise, why not “stick to what we have”? Which Im okay with for now. I’d love to get married, but if we don’t, it won’t be the end of the world for me.
This is EXACTLY the mindset that my now sister-in-law had before my brother proposed to her. They had been together for 9 years and she had honestly just given up on the possibility of ever getting married. My brother had the mindset that marriage was only a bit of show for your commitment to one another and that it was unnecessary. Well, simply because he knew how much it would mean to HER, he decided to propose one day. She called me crying at midnight, SO HAPPY and giggly, and she kept saying how she never thought it would happen. They knew they were going to be together for the long haul, but it was the sentiment that mattered to her, and in the end it just mattered to him that she was happy.
I digress. My brother and his wife do NOT want children. She especially doesn’t want them. They got married anyway, and it had nothing to do with children. I can tell you that it was a year of stressing and planning and more stressing and spending lots and lots of money, but if you were to ask either of them if it was all worth it for that one day, they would unequivocally say “Yes!”. They had a lovely, small, non-traditional wedding (my brother’s best friend became a Justice of the Peace specifically so that he could marry them!), and they had a wonderful party afterward with all of their friends and family. I still tear up when I think about how flipping adorable both of them were on their wedding day, and how those memories are seriously going to last them their entire lives.
So – long story short – I say pooh-pooh to the idea that marriage is just a part of becoming a family with children. My brother and his wife are living evidence that that isn’t necessarily true! I’ve rambled on about this one specific point, but I think it’s really important that Josh realize (even if it’s eventually, as was in the case of my brother XD) that sometimes we do things for our loved ones initially for their happiness alone – and sometimes those things end up being giant gifts to ourselves as well.
As far as the children thing goes – I agree with what has been said. I think even though you have the 5-year mark in your head, it may be better to talk about the “kid thing” sooner than later. This isn’t to say that things won’t change for him in his thinking, especially since he seems to change his mind about the matter a decent bit. It sounds like he thinks like I do – sometimes I’ve got this overwhelming motherly sense of “omg I want children now” and then sometimes I really think about it and feel as though I could be happy without them. I’m 28 years old and I STILL don’t really know what I want, but I do know that I’d be quite happy either way that it turns out. Maybe Josh will realize that’s the same case for him (maybe it already IS the case and he’s not been clear about that!). All I know is that I think you (and he) would feel a lot better about the matter if you sat down and talked about it. Especially if you’re still feeling strange about the entire thing, I think being clear on the matter with him will ease your discomfort 🙂
And always, you can email me, text me, call me, whatever if you need to talk <3
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Please visit My Webpage to see my art and PYO's that I've done in the past!The kid issue can be a really hard one.
Personally, I always wanted kids, and am the happy mother of three…however we know our limits and my hubby recently got a vasectomy so dont expand our family any further.
For me it was a need for family, which I’d never had..and I’ve loved every minute of it. Being a parent is hard work, and takes the ultimate of commitment….it’s not for the uncertain or faint of heart.
In my opinion…the colder person is one who goes ahead and has children they dont want. Neither of my parents wanted a child, and I grew up as the ‘mistake’ from a one night stand that ‘went bad’. This is an agonizingly hard thing to grow up with, and probably the core reason I suffered through intense child abuse….So I have particularly strong feelings on the issue.
I feel it’s much more loving and responsible to know what you want, and what you can handle emotionally, then commit to that. If you dont want children, then I feel you’re awesome for being mature enough to stand by that.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting the responsibilities of parenthood, AS LONG AS you have no children depending on you.
I sincerely hope you and your other half can work through this. The subject of having kids can be a huge hurdle when two disagree on it…because it’s a subject which delves deeply into who we are. The desire to have, or not have, children is often a major emotional need…so I understand why you’d be so upset over an issue of this magnitude.
Knowing that you have no desire to have children….have you discussed at what point in your life you’d be open to adoption? Is he open to that option? Not everyone is. Is he ok with waiting until you’re ready to make that commitment?
I’d simply discuss his needs on the subject, and find out if he’s open to a compromise of sorts…even if it’s something that you’d promise to do a decade later, it can be something that would give you peace now, and let him know you understand that others have that need.
I hope I havent been too forward..and I genuinely feel for you and him while dealing with this. ~hugs~ to you both.
You are not alone, any of you, for your feelings. When I was younger, I was certain I didn’t want kids. Now, I do. I’ve been married, and divorced. We didn’t have kids because he needed to grow up and I got tired of waiting. I didn’t want to feel cheated because he wouldn’t devote time to me but would devote time to a child. On the other hand, I also didn’t want to be a single parent that happened to be married because he didn’t want to commit to any REAL responsibilities. So, I don’t have kids. Yet. My boyfriend didn’t want kids when we started dating. Honestly, though I love him, if we couldn’t agree on the possibility of kids, we couldn’t have stayed together. It’s THAT important. He’s since rethought the issue, and when/if the time comes, he’s on board with being a father. That being said, having been married once before, I’m in no hurry to be married again. However, I really do want to be married if/when we decide to have a kid. If we never do decide to have children, though, I think I would reconsider getting married because my boyfriend wants to someday.
What it boils down to is:
-You HAVE to agree on children for each others’ sake and for any potential child’s sake. It would be really painful to him if he should decide he really does want children and you absolutely don’t. And it will be painful to you if he and his family pressure you, even if you stand your ground. Soul mate or not, regret is a powerful thing and will poison your relationship.
-Marriage…well, I’ve learned that it’s more than a piece of paper or a legal document. Ending a marriage is painful, even if ending it is for the better. And it can be financially crippling. Do not go lightly into marriage–a happy life together is worth a LOT even without the ring. However, it’s not so serious as children. You can get a divorce without a life ending, but you can’t stop being a parent under the same terms.
-Things change. You guys are young and there’s no rush to anything. Nor will you be lonely forever if you can’t stay together. I think there’s more than one person in this world for everyone, it’s just a matter of who you find first.PS-I also believe that getting pregnant is not necessarily an accomplishment for which anyone should be proud. It’s biology. (I’ve had the “miracle” argument with my mother, too.) It’s fine to be happy, and perhaps he’s confused the emotion. Or maybe additional emotions made it confusing to him. That he used the word “proud,” though, indicates that the heart-to-heart is really, REALLY necessary. And soon.
You said Josh changes his opinion all the time as to whether he wants kids or not, it’s possible that he’s feeling this way right now because his sister is going to have a baby. A sort of sibling rivalry because his parents are so happy and “proud” and showering his sister with attention. That’s perfectly normal in my opinion. 🙂 A few years from now he could feel the exact opposite again, heck, YOU might feel the exact opposite in a few years! You’re only 25, I loved doing whatever I wanted and going wherever I wanted when I was 25. I was TERRIFIED of getting preggers when I was in my 20’s. I didn’t like being around kids, I was completely uncomfortable around them. When I turned 27, my boyfriend and I accidentally got pregnant with TRIPLETS! (which sadly became twins). I was TERRIFIED!! I didn’t know how I was going to take care of a baby (let alone TWO!), I could barely take care of myself! We were living the party lifestyle at the time. I went from being completely AFRAID of children to devoting my every moment to making sure they are loved and safe. My point is, 10 years from now you may or may not feel the way you feel now. You’re 25, enjoy all the things that being an adult has to offer! Stay up late, play video games, eat ice cream for breakfast! Don’t stress over it right now- HAVE FUN! 🙂 Josh will come around. Since everyone is doting on his sister right now, maybe he just needs some extra attention to make him feel special, too.
OH! As for being “proud” of her…….any mammal can get pregnant. :p If it was something they had been trying hard for for years, I could understand “proud”.
Yep, it’s a very personal issue. I’m 36. My hubby and I have been married for 9 years, and we have no plans for children at the moment. When my sister (who is younger then me) had her child, my mom would remark about how my biological clock was ticking. It actually wasn’t just her, but other family members said similar things too. Well, it can keep on ticking!! 😛
There’s a lot of pressure in society on having kids…
1. The parental units want grandkids. — That’s fine, but I hope you like fur kids. Actually, my mom does give me gift cards to PetSmart for Christmas. My dogs get the same amount she gives my nephew. My family now understands that they are my babies. :bigsmile:
2. Your clock is ticking. — My batteries can go dead for all I care. If I decide I want kids after it’s too late, then I will adopt. It scares me that women are pressured into starting a family when they may not be ready financially or emotionally.
3. You need to pass on your genetic material. — This can be a big one for some people, the need to pass on their genes, their name, their lineage. I actually had to think hard about this one. In the end, I concluded that it was the soul that mattered, not the body… so I will have no problem adopting. 🙂
4. It is your duty to make babies if your married (and raise them in the ways of the Church). — No comment. :stare:
These are the ones I got hit with a lot. I had to think about each one and not let guilt affect me. This is my life and my body. Some women absolutely have to go through motherhood in order to feel complete. And that is completely fine! That should be the reason for having kids… because you want them and want to love them and honestly want children in your life.
As for advice about Josh, I was never in that situation so I don’t have anything to offer… except hugs and support! Once I told my husband that we really weren’t financially stable for kids and that our current lifestyle would have to change, he understood.
Hang in there!! HUGS!
Please don’t feel embarrassed about being on an antidepressant. Would you be embarassed to take insulin if you had diabetes? Depression is an illness and there is nothing wrong or embarassing or weak about taking medicine for it. Just remember there are several different meds for it so if you are still feeling depressed or having bad side effects after being on it awhile you should ask your doctor about trying a different med.
As for not wanting kids I am in the same boat. I was a total workaholic and loved my job. I knew I did not have the time I would need to devote to a child. It used to drive me crazy when people told me I would feel differently when I got older. When I got older I knew for sure I would be a terrible mother but I am a great aunt! I think it is a very responsible decision on your part – I think more people should be honest about not wanting kids. And it isn’t as if the human race is in danger of extinction! But I agree with the others that this is a crucial discussion to have with your boyfriend. Unfotunately I do not believe couples should stay together if they have opposite opinions on this issue. I have seen it happen to some very close friends and it is a complete disaster. This is too important an issue not to discuss. If your boyfriend is on the fence right now you might want to set a date six months in the future to discuss it again – hopefully he will think about it and decide wether he can live without being a father.
I wish you the best of luck and days filled with rainbow ponies.
I’m glad to hear that I’m not alone on the kid issue. I would go as far as using the word “hate” to describe my feelings toward babies and children. There is NOTHING about them that I care for. Even my cousin’s kid. When she was a baby, and young kid (I’m not even sure how old she is now… 10? Less than that?) I never gave her the weird baby crap normal people do. I stayed as far away from her as I could, and as a result of that the kid never came near me. I think she still doesn’t like being near me.
This was all okay with my cousin/relatives because they knew how I felt about everything. I didn’t mistreat the kid, I just didn’t pay any attention to her.The whole children thing is a terrible thing when one person wants them and the other doesn’t. A friend of my best friend never wanted kids… but her husband always did. So when she became pregnant… she kept the baby for her husband… not for herself (I’m sure she would have aborted otherwise). That’s being forced into something she didn’t want.
I’m sure this will, and has, causes couples to break up before. A bit different, but in the same kind of way… I could never give up my ferrets. So if someone liked me, but didn’t want ferrets, I wouldn’t give them up… so I’d let go of the person (and I’m sure the other person would get tired of fighting over it). “Ferret for Life” is kind of my motto hah.I find it kind of weird that Josh’s opinion on kids changes every other day. Really weird.
I can see myself being alone for my entire life. So I, hopefully, will never have to deal with someone wanting a kid while I don’t. My animals and friends is all I’ll need. I’ve always been a bit of a loner anyway… enjoying my own company… but like you, I have depression of a sort (untreated) and sometimes I feel like I wish I had someone around. Not a significant other, but like… I don’t know. Like my mom. My mom was all I needed to feel like I wasn’t alone. Of course, I’ll never have that again.
Every day I don’t want to get out of bed. Not even for my ferrets (in fact they claw at my bedroom door till I get up). And I’m tired all day. Like today… I took a two hour nap midday and I was so tired for many hours afterward. Was watching some Miyazaki movies and I was forcing myself not to close my eyes and sleep.
I don’t like that feeling.
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