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So my daughter is highly emotional. Totally get her, because I am as well.
Today was a really bad day for her and I don’t know how to handle it…
She is 11 years old. She started her day by getting her monthly. She hates it and crys every time because she doesn’t want to deal with it.
So in PE, she had stopped to difuse another boy’s meltdown (aspergers syndrome) and when she went back to her team, one of the girls made the comment that Ashley likes Cagney. Ash screamed at the other girl that she did not and then told the teacher. Teacher tells other girl it’s not nice to tease.
Ash comes home, calls me and is crying hysterically that she never wants to go to school, she hates people, she wants to “punch that girly girl in the face”, and she doesn’t want to deal with Cagney anymore…I’m so out of my league here…
Part of me wants to hug and coddle her. Not nice of the other girl to tease.
Part of me wants to tell her the other girl didn’t say anything horrible and Ash is over reacting.I am so proud that Ash takes the time to help Cagney because he doesn’t have a lot of friends and he is irritating to be around, but she and my son both help him out.
Part of me wants to say it’s OK to ignore Cagney when he goes into meltdowns as it affects how the other girls treat her.Ash isn’t a popular girl. Definately not a girly girl. She’s an artist and introverted. Doesn’t live her life for others and is very independent. She’s also very emotional. Now that she’s a “woman” she’s so much more emotional and while I can comiserate with her, I don’t know how to make it better.
So if you’ve gotten this far… Any advice on what I can say/do to her other then hugs and support?
Well, I’m not a parent, but apart from the overly outwardly emotional aspect, I was a lot like her at that age (artist, introverted, independent). I also had aspergers (although it was diagnosed as autism at that time). However, instead of attention grabbing meltdowns, I would turn inward and isolate myself. One of the most important things that was done that I am grateful for now (though I really wasn’t back then) was to be enrolled in a public school where I had to deal with people who wouldn’t understand and would constantly tease me. It was hard. I had to learn how to deal with people who would make stupid statements like that.
What I believe you need to encourage her to do is to just let these petty insults slide. Tell her that exploding that way she did and telling the teacher was exactly the reaction the girl teasing her was looking for. I would likely just have her tell the other girl something non-committal like a “whatever” (I’m not too good at quick, witty replies) and ignore the girl if she continues her teasing. If she can stay calm and not react to things like this that aren’t worth it, the bullies tend to eventually move on to other victims. Unfortunately though, dealing with stupid, ignorant people is a part of life, and it is an art form that takes awhile to learn. You’ll have to be there to encourage her to take the high road. At 11 years old, and starting to experience hormonal changes I know this is much easier said than done, but this stage in life does eventually pass. After learning how to deal with this, high school was a much better experience, and I had people who admired my skills instead of constantly teasing me.
Thanks! Dad took her out for ice cream as his personality is such that petty insult really don’t bother him and I think he was the best person to help her. So when I got home she was all happy and content.
I actually did tell her to use the “roll eyes, whateVer” move. LOL. Since it does give her the advantage of having the last word and the rolling eyes shows the other girl she’s not worth the effort of any emotion.
Great minds think alike.But still. I wanted a daughter so I could raise her better then I was. Without all the baggage and horrible memories. I thought I was the way I am because of my past. I’m just shocked (and saddened) that Ashley is just like me. I wanted better for her.
Mine is very emo too. I discuss her blow-ups with her the next day, so she can think a bit more rationally. It helps, but she’s not an adult, so we need to reinforce all the time. Of course, when she’s tired, it’s worse. And while menstruating, especially for the first time, you’re a bit traumatized, tired and hormone-riddled. Let her sleep on it and address all the issues, pointing out that yes, she did over-react to the teasing. The eye roll is the best way to discourage it.
It’s tough!
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http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htmPhoenix wrote:Thanks! Dad took her out for ice cream as his personality is such that petty insult really don’t bother him and I think he was the best person to help her. So when I got home she was all happy and content.
I actually did tell her to use the “roll eyes, whateVer” move. LOL. Since it does give her the advantage of having the last word and the rolling eyes shows the other girl she’s not worth the effort of any emotion.
Great minds think alike.But still. I wanted a daughter so I could raise her better then I was. Without all the baggage and horrible memories. I thought I was the way I am because of my past. I’m just shocked (and saddened) that Ashley is just like me. I wanted better for her.
I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. You raised her to do the right thing. She’s friends with someone who is difficult to deal with. Even though this boy can’t properly express his gratitude, I’m sure that’s if he’s able to deal with his inner demons and come out of his shell, he’ll be extremely grateful for people your children who helped him out. I know I am. It’s also worth noting that while she didn’t deal with the situation in the best way, and she wanted to beat up the other girl, she didn’t and found an adult to help her resolve the issue. In more serious bullying cases, finding an adult to help her would be the best solution. She just needs to learn how to cool down and control her temper. This will come with age and experience. However, all this said, doing the right thing isn’t always easy. In fact it’s rarely ever easy. However, I’m sure that if you’re there to support her and provide her advice along the way, she’ll do just fine. Hang in there!
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud of her. She’s got a great heart and does the right thing because she knows it’s right. She’s polite and we always get compliments on how good the kids are. We used to say she was my “mini-me”. Now Mike calls me the “mini-me” cause she’s taller then me!
My one wish would be that she didn’t get my emotional personality. It was so hard growning up like I did. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I fear at some point she’ll turn suicidal like I was. I need to find a way to snap her off the road I see her going down and I just don’t know how to do it.Ha! She sounds like me in middle school 😆 Unpopular, introverted, and very emotional (still am-working on it) speaking not as a parent, but someone who went through it and watched my “adopted”, “little sister” go through it, I would say it is pretty normal what is happening to her and how she feels. My mom was there for me when I wanted her, which, at that age, was not very often. Personally, no matter what anyone told me, I still felt alone. The only ones that could “get through to me” were my peers and friends. Its SO horrible, its “like, OMG the worst thing in the whole world!” when you’re going through it, but looking back it was stupid of me to get upset over the things I did. and my “sister” Kaylinn, who is..gosh, currently 15, talked about the dramas of middle school life and it was UBER important to her to dress a certain way, act a certain way, talk a certain way…I tried to tell her, Kaylinn…when you get out of school and into college and the real world…no one cares if you dont dress in the latest clothes or act “cool”-there is no such thing as cool.
Its almost like going to Africa and telling them they don’t need to worry about poverty and hunger, but instead to worry about global warming and pollution. Even though its important to us, it doesnt mean a hill of beans to them, and nothing will change their mind until they get an ample food supply.
*clears throat* Now I have an excuse to toss up my favorite thing I got out of psychology/communications class
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs *GRINGRIN*
Basically its saying that on the base of the pyramid, is a basic human NEED. And until you get food, water and shelter, you cannot feel safe. You must achieve one level to “level up” and the ultimate goal is self-actualization.
Until all pre-teens and early teens get the love, belonging and then esteem that they need, they can be kind of unemotionally stable.
And even at that age (11 yrs old) her emotions are still forming-so her brain may be going through these emotions simply because they’re new and the brain is trying them out.
Personally I have seen that people like your daugher (and proably many here) who are not as popular or are shy or introverted have made more successful adults than those kids/teens who were very popular and extroverted because they didnt have their little gang of friends around them all the time because it teaches them that its OKAY and its GOOD to be independent and stand up for yourself (because you cant always expect someone to stand up for you)Try telling your daughter stories of how you were at that age so that at least she can feel normal through you. I have not had any luck trying to help anyone that didn’t want to be helped or change anyone who didn’t want to make the change in themself. But I’ve got a lot to learn in life. I hope you find a way to reach her *hugs*
Interesting that sex is on the same level as water… 😀
I have been talking with her this last week about school vs. real world. I took a 100 page book and told her that it was basically the length of her lifetime. I turned the first 11 pages and showed her how much of her life she’s lived. Then showed her the pages to where she’d be out of high school. I think her seeing how much of the book was left really put it into perspective.
So hopefully she understands this phase of her life is so short that in the long term, really unimportant.
Love the book idea Phoenix. It does really put things in perspective when you have a visual aid 🙂
I was a sensitive child (still am as an adult) and had a very intolerant childhood. “Get over it” being the kindest thing said when I was upset about something.
The best advice I could give would be what I wish my parents had done. Just be there for her. Be a shoulder to cry on, talk about what is going on when she is not emotionally riled up, let her know it’s okay to be sensitive, help her figure out ways of dealing with things thrown her way and that she CAN cope with things. Be her cheerleader and be the voice of reason when she is overreacting to something, but never belittle her feelings or reprimand her for them. From experience, these things do resolve themselves as she gets older and gains more life experience. I know as Mum you want to fix everything for her, want her to have it better than you, but we still have to figure things out for ourselves. Though a confidant and a little constructive help along the way helps immensely.
Thanks for all your inputs! I hate not knowing if I’m screwing her up or helping! I guess only time will tell…
Dad took her out for ice cream and talked with her about life and feelings. He really has a way with explaining life in a logical way she understands. All I can do is listen and give input and definatley give lots of hugs while I’m still allowed to.
I just want her to be happy and it worries me to no end when she’s sad.Again, thanks for all the input!
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