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So I wonder to all you young folks out there, and those of us who’ve grown old(er) – what advice can you give me to help my daughter ease into adulthood. I got married when I was barely 18 and I wouldn’t say I matured early, I was just glad to leave home. My daughter is having major anxiety (to the point I am forcing her to go to the doctor tomorrow) – she is 20 and WAS going off to college, to live in a brand new apartment on campus with two friends from junior college, people she knows. Immaculate apartment, I gave her my car to use, we are paying all expenses and sending her $250. monthly for WHATEVER. So, why is she crying, having a nervous breakdown, puking all night and not sleeping. School starts Monday – she is home for 2nd time (she moved in Sunday and it’s Tuesday now) —– I’m at wits end. ::sigh:: She says there is no majick pill that will make her not feel alone, and sad and abandoned. I pray there is!
It sounds like more than just anxiety. How far away is school? Sounds like not that far away. Maybe she does need to see a doctor for this. And you need to draw a line as to how often she can visit. Yes, it’s scary to move out, but it sounds like you’ve taken away the majority of things that lead to anxiety when kids move out. Hopefully, she will relax a bit when school starts…she’ll be busy and will meet friends.
ghostndragon wrote:It sounds like more than just anxiety. How far away is school? Sounds like not that far away. Maybe she does need to see a doctor for this. And you need to draw a line as to how often she can visit. Yes, it’s scary to move out, but it sounds like you’ve taken away the majority of things that lead to anxiety when kids move out. Hopefully, she will relax a bit when school starts…she’ll be busy and will meet friends.
Hi ghostn, thanks for your input – yeah I thought I made it easy for her (maybe too easy? :sigh:)…. right now she’s on the computer in the other room applying at local universities (I think it’s too late, deadlines and all). I tell her that her feelings are normal, she tells me she CAN NOT DO THIS, SHE IS DONE – in other words she can NOT survive, if she has to go. School is just under 2 hours away, she can come home every weekend, and planned on it (and I thought oh when it starts she won’t want to come home). Took her a week early to acclimate, and wonder if I had taken her the day before classes start, maybe she wouldn’t be feeling this. She has told herself that she will not go back…….and she is calming down. She’s been home for 4 hours, and filling out transfer applications. She’s embarassed, she feels like a loser, and she wonders if she will never be able to leave home :/ But yeah a doctor is needed, I can’t handle THIS…..poor thing is having a breakdown and I’m just melting Oh as for drawing a line for how often to visit, my door is always open to my relatives – any day any time…… is it possible I created this horrible feeling. Dam* I hope not! Again, thanks for your reply – I think I am needing counceling about as much as her (no, I’m fine just it makes me feel bad knowing she is in pain and should not be).
This is not something any of us here can say,” I know what that is, here is what you do to fix it,” unfortunately.
Going to a doctor is a good idea, but be aware, when it comes to stress and all the factors that can cause some one to have multiple symptoms, most of them don’t know crap. A GOOD phsychiatrist can sort it out…but you have to hope you don’t get some one narrow minded or a pill pusher.( my mom learned to ask a LOT of questions, and if what they are saying does not add up or they thrown pills at your right off the bat….well it has not been a good sign in my case..)
I can say that Nerviouse dissorders are VERY common..and even if you do not have a dissorder, the persons personality may not be able to handle certian levels of stresses and stress alone can cause some very seriouse symptoms.
My sister and I both have PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder). In short, a traumatic event ends up making normal stresses you then face in life 10x harder and intense. Mine almost put me into the hosspital a few times and I was in and out of doctors for the better part of 5 years. I still don’t have a job….at least a full time..or even decent part time job. I stress out so much just thinking about it. Every day things are some times very difficult and I have a regular cycle of not being able to sleep and waking up panicked.
Just as an example of some of how stress can have an affect. Now, with mine, when I am so stressed out that it starts affecting me physicaly…trying to trudge through it just backfires. I did that with school…and I pay for it now. You can over stress your body and mind that way.My sister may have a better example though. My sister’s first kinda…away from home experience, she left to do a sailing job for 6 months almost 400 miles away. She was fine…until she got there. She spent the first night sick and crying her eyes out. Everything scared her and the thought of being separated from her family sickened her. After the first night..things were a little better..every one was actualy pretty kind and understanding. After the first week she was much better.
I would say talk to your daughter a LOT. Get as manny details about how she feels, what she thinks she is scared of, and especially if you start seeing her stress out, ask her what she felt or what she was thinking of. The more info the better, and remind her that you are pestering because you want to understand as much as you can to help. My mom was a great help. It took her a while to learn how to tell when I was dealing with something and it took me a while learning how to communicate it..but having some one you know knows what you are going through and that you can tell in detail what is going on helps immensely.
I wish I had something that I could say could solve what your daughter is dealing with. 🙁 What ever is causing her to have such extreme anxiety, I can relate to how tormenting that is. I hope this helps at least a little bit.
]I am only a tad older than her, so I cant say from a parenting experience, but it was kind of scary to leave home the first time too. I went to a college 55 miles (an hour) away. I missed my stuff back home and my pets. It was a small town so nothing to do on the weekends-everyone went home. I only knew 1 person there. My roomate was awesome and we still keep in touch, but going in knowing only one person was not awesome.
I came back the next semester (the school wasnt all that great-cool place, bad education) and have been going to community college off an on since (buckled down now finally) and I really regret not going to a university (It was my dream to have a diploma from the University of Texas at Austin) and my friends that went to big Universities are in another world compared to me.As much as I would have liked “the college experience” I think I have grown up much more by being at home. Tell your daughter that since she has decided to stay, she will most likely have a leg up on her friends. I started working and going to school-which was nice to have my own money and not have to go “Mom, can you get this for me?” My car ended up being wrecked, and in the process of trying to get a new one, I learned about money management and credit. Granted I cant afford much else besides that new car NOW but, its just one of those things you learn. Had I gone away, my car probably wouldnt have been wrecked. I had a HUGE amount of life learning because of that incident. I saw the people who were at the community college seemed to have more of a focus on life and their goals for themselves compared to the people I knew that went to university. UT and A&M you go to party!..oh yea and learn stuff. They are the most well known schools in the state and by far the most popular…but at community college, if you have a goal and can get some good professors (which, you can get lame teachers ANYWHERE except maybe Harvard or Yale…maybe there too?) you can get in and get out.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. I feel my whole life is different and changed in a great way because I “stayed home” Plus, there’s less peer pressure. If your daughter is adamant about staying home, maybe God or The Universe (or whatever you believe) has a greater plan for her there at home. Maybe she will meet the man of her dreams. Maybe she will figure out what her passion is in life and persue it with all of her being. I know you want what is best for her, and the typical thought is that a University is better than a community college-well it is for one reason-networking, If she decides to be a teacher or an engineer, she will 1-meet many more people who are sharing her path and 2-more employers look at big name universities and want people from there. But if she decides to be a nurse, Radiographer (like me!), vet or something she could get in 2 years, in my opinion, its all the same
I think a lot of people loose sight of the fact that college is just to get you a job. It was hard for me at first deciding to stay home and not go to UT (didnt get in the first round) and it took maybe a year to “be okay” with it, but if it is what your daughter wants, you should try to support her.
Hope this hasnt been too ranty and hope it helped a little
Poems, I think you’ve done everything right. Having familiar friends should make it easier, having you within driving distance and car to do so. You can’t change how she feels, but maybe a doctor could help her deal with these feelings (hopefully without pills). I’m almost 30 and was raised by my grandma. Up until 2 years ago (when she died) I would cry when I got to work. I felt like I was just dropped off at kindergarten for the first time (EVERYDAY until I was 28). I think some of us are just more….I don’t know….”attached” to our families. I don’t know how to explain the feeling, but I understand her “terror”. I thought maybe I was just uber sensitive :shrug:
The only way I know how to get over that terror is to force yourself to go for a week or two (or semester) and eventually you realize it’s not that bad (and to call 90 times a day to tell what you ate and what you saw on TV or heard from your friends, like I did!).
The tricky part is going to be convincing her to tough it out long enough to realize it’s not so bad.
Don’t blame yourself at all!! Some of us are just like that, i guess.Your daughter sounds like she has an anxiety disorder/depression. I have a friend exactly like that; she loves it when we got together – she’s a hoot – but sometimes, she just couldn’t make it because if the anxiety. She was diagnosed properly, did therapy and has the right meds, so she’s fine now.
So, yeah, seeing a doctor is the way to go.
Was she ever anxious when doing sleepovers as a child?
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http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htmPoems,you are my friend and this is only a friend’s opinion but here goes…You are a very good Mother.You have done and will do what is needed and I think above all,talk.Talk to her.Talk to her in a comfortable setting,relax and try to get her to open up to you.Maybe step out of yourself slightly,we are moms and sometimes we need to back off slightly and listen and be objective.I think the dr. and probably the meds they will want to throw at her,can come second if all else fails.{She may have a social axiety problem}Opening up honestly and having an adult conversation about it all,school,being away from home and her parents,family,she doesn’t have a close friend to be with there in the beginning and that is a little tough,boys,the partying that goes on and what she is so afraid of too…all of it.You might both be in for a surprise or two.She is an adult now,granted a young one but she is an adult.There is a lot going on out there and it is a little frightening.A lot of good,a lot of fun and a lot of bad but that is life.Her main objective,in my opinion,should be her education.You are a good mom,you will figure it out together,have faith. 🙂
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Male Hearth....one day🤞Dream on.skeeterdeee wrote:The only way I know how to get over that terror is to force yourself to go for a week or two (or semester) and eventually you realize it’s not that bad (and to call 90 times a day to tell what you ate and what you saw on TV or heard from your friends, like I did!).
The tricky part is going to be convincing her to tough it out long enough to realize it’s not so bad.
Don’t blame yourself at all!! Some of us are just like that, i guess.This.
Although all of us feel anxiety when we leave home for the first time, there are varying degrees. But we all have to get over that fear, and the best way to do it is to face it. Discover that there’s not as much to be afraid of, and even those things that are worthy of fear aren’t just out there waiting to get you. Discover that your parents still love you, and in fact, BECAUSE they love you they push you to be your own person. Not all of us had an easy transition or much help…every child and parent is different in attitude and means…but the important thing is that she knows that you’re going to be there for her so now’s the time to check out the big, bad world while you’re still so close. After all, exploring the big, bad world will be that much more frightening when you’re suddenly gone and there’s no choice but to be on her own (not to be a downer, but that’s the truth).Not being a parent, I cannot relate to the parent/child thing but I have suffered depression, anxiety and fear of things. When I was much younger, I was very withdrawn and didn’t like to socialize much. People around me thought that this wasn’t good so I was forced out of my room to be with everyone. I so hated this and would only do so for an hour then back in my room I’d go. I learned to be more social later on but I was extremely shy. I remember having an awful fear of water. My cousin was trying to teach me how to swim in a river and was holding me so I could float. Well I felt myself sinking and just jumped off her arms. She then said to just put my face in the water and tried to help me with that and I screamed bloody murder! Was NOT going to do that. Don’t know where my fear of water came from but it was extreme. I do know how to swim and it seemed to be something I outgrew.
It’s hard to say whether forcing someone to face their fears is good or not. Me being forced to socialize didn’t leave permanent marks on me but I wasn’t as fearful and anxious as your daughter. So for me to be ‘forced’ was probably not too bad of a thing. Didn’t exactly make me more social as an adult because I’m still pretty much to myself but that’s my personality. Your daughter seems to be suffering from extreme anxiety of some sort–what Koishi said in her reply is from her own experience and is worth trying. Yes, I feel she should be ‘forced’ to see a doctor because to be so fearful and anxious is not normal. I feel sad for your daughter to be so frightened even with the loving support you are giving her.
I hope you can find help for her and she gets the help to overcome this. I wish you both the best and will be sending positive, supportive thoughts your way.
I can be very hard to move out the first time and everyone is different. Some people are ready to go immediately others need a little more timeI would say getting her to see a doctor is a good start, especially if she has had problems with sleepovers or summer camp etc. Keep talking with her, try to get her to face her fears verbally (why does she feel afraid, and I just do is not an answer) etc. From experience (I wound up with borderline PTSD, depression and anxiety after an accident) being forced to ‘just buck up, pull yourself up by your boot straps and get over it’ does not work, in fact it elevates the anxiety and makes things worse. Koishii’s post has some great advice and good luck
I’m several years older than her, and I’m on my way to try and leave here. I can stay as long as I want with my dad, but I feel I NEED to leave. Need to go somewhere where getting a job isn’t such a hassle. But regardless. I want to leave, and I’m still very frightened about it all. My brother’s clients keep saying “it’s always scary when you move, no matter your age or how many times you’ve moved”.
If I had someone sending me money each month, it would be a lot easier on me.foxfeather wrote:From experience (I wound up with borderline PTSD, depression and anxiety after an accident) being forced to ‘just buck up, pull yourself up by your boot straps and get over it’ does not work, in fact it elevates the anxiety and makes things worse.
Yes, this is true! In the case that it is not ‘normal’ stress, but something that is making the stress much more volotile which could be any number of things from Phobia, to PTSD, to manny other things that can make normal stress feel like your life is being threatened.
I know in my case in going to school, adults kept telling me it was normal and I heard more then one comment from ones that I had to ‘face my fear’ ‘buckle up’ ‘it’s not as scary as it seems’ and what not….but when I forced myself, and worse, felt I had no other choice…..things got bad. I could not sleep, when I would go to class my hands would shake terrible, my back muscles were tense all the time, and depression was regulare once I got home because of all the pumped adreniline and such. Instead of learning things were fine, I started freaking out that I was not getting better and my fear of people just got worse.
Now I do not mention this to scare or make it sound that this is a doomed situation.
Exposure is needed, BUT in order to face a fear, you need to know WHAT is causing it. What REALLY is the culprit, and then learn what is the best way to go about facing it.When you work on something and a screw is stuck, if you try to force it, you can break the screw and that is no good. But if you know why the screw is stuck, you can learn how to un-stick it with out damaging it or the tool. Anxiety is the same way. Some times facing it up from works, but some times more steps are needed if something else is at play.
THANK YOU EVERYONE!
Well, I have been away from the computer for awhile………. and you ALL contributed tremendously to helping ME help HIM (husband) understand, because he just can’t….
She was going to have a complete mental shutdown. We tried this 2 years ago, she went up to Champagne which is like 4 hours away and within the week she shut down and said she was going to die – she couldn’t function, and we brought her home. Now she’s 20, the same thing. She never did go away to camp, never wanted to go stay with her wealthy Aunt/Uncle in Florida during the summer (and have it SO made)…invited every year and I couldn’t talk her into it. But she HAS gone on vacations for a week with friends, twice. Once far far away to California! I have talked and talked with her, held her in my arms, she slept in my arms last night…. she said the difference with going on vacation is “I knew I was coming home”. Explaining you ARE and CAN come home every weekend for three days doesn’t help. An only child, separation anxiety is tremendous.
We did go to the doctor today AFTER we got up and went to a local University (daughter took it all on herself) and she enrolled there, McKendree College, it’s a great college and I had suggested it long ago, after she got her Associates degree at the local Junior college. She does extremely well in school – A student, Deans list, etc. We dont EXPECT excellence, we hope for it – so it isn’t like I demand that she get A’s or I’ll disown her….not at all. She can get C’s, I just want her happy. Okay okay the doctor was concerned, but said since this occurred 2 years ago and in a week she was ‘over it’ (never totally, I think these things always leave scars)….she thinks now that she is enrolled 30 minutes away, she should be okay in a week. We drove the 2 hours, collected her things, drove 2 hours back tonight.
This may end up costing us $7,000.00 – we may still have to pay for her housing which totals that for the year. We have done all we could to help with her education. I told her for this, she has to get a job, to help pay off the debt caused…..because it wasn’t US making her go there, that is where she wanted to go, where she begged to go, where she had her heart set on going………and ultimately where she could NOT go. :/ Darnit, darnit all – but I won’t have my daughter ending her life because of a stupid college that scared her to be so far from home :sigh:……
Thank you everyone, especially those of you that commented that were in similar situation, that is, terrified and the feeling of doom that may or may not take a llife. We have all hugged, and cried, and laughed.
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