My Hypothetical Relationship Quandry

Hiya everyone…. I have a situation…. I don’t know quite how I should feel about it, but I’m hurt and really angry and just overall disturbed I guess.

Two stories, that kinda meet in the middle. My desktop has been fried for a LONG time. I use my laptop for EVERYTHING! I got a few new programs for video editing software I missed having that was on originally on my desktop. Well, installing such a program onto the laptop took a lot of valuable space in my hard drive. I was actually trying to save a picture of a recent Windstone auction to add to my galley of “I’ll never own” pieces I love and I got a “Destination disk drive is full” pop up! To my surprise I was MAXED out to the utmost capacity in my hard drive. So it’s time to clean out the computer, back up some stuff and overall go on a deleting stuff I don’t need spree. So that’s one thing…. no big deal until later.

Next thing … so everyone here for the most part is well aware of Shaun, and our troubles the past few months financially and stuff and how we’ve managed to get out of that and sort of be back to normal I guess you would say. I THOUGHT things were going good in the relationship as far as OTHER things go as well. At least I didn’t know of any issues besides just the normal quarrling over money issues and stuff like that. We’ve had a few conversations about ex’s and agreeing that since we are BOTH REALLY JEALOUS types of other’s we sort of mutually agreed that if we can ever help it we don’t really communicate too much with them or “hang out” with them at the very least.

I’m on good terms with a few of mine, but out of respect they know not to call me and vice versa with Shaun except for this one girl who calls every 3 or 4 months or so. As far as I know, he usually brushes her off, to just trying to stay on good terms and following up with his life and how he’s doing because she genuinely cares about him as a person… me being the jealous type I just think she calls to see if he’s still with me. It’s never really been a big issue because I know Shuan doesn’t drive, has very little money and it usually blowing up my cell phone half of the day because of his EXTREMELY clingy nature. So needless to say I was sort of surprised to find a slew of naked photos of this girl in MY personal laptop as I was deleting files.

I took a deep dive to erase pictures I may have had doubles of, programs I don’t use, etc and buried like 6 folders deep in a random photo recovery program were these pictures. No explanation of course except somehow when I used my photo recovery I must have gotten them back. Well… that might make sense if it wasn’t MY computer.

I’m really confused and upset, but I don’t know if I’m just over reacting or not. It’s probably not the most appropriate discussion for conversation here, but everyone in my personal life (friends & family) have already formulated their own opinion of Shaun A LONG time ago and they all agree I’ve been wasting my time with someone who will never have anything to offer me. Family and friends alike basically all hate him, but I stay with him because he’s been the most supportive “mentally” and I’d say probably one of the more thoughful people I have dated. Plus he loves my animals more then life itself…. so he’s always broke, has no car, no license, can’t pay a bill on time or in full if his life depended on it, but I always said I didn’t need anyone to take care of me so it’s never really bothered me as much as I guess it has bothered others. I know everyone wants me to be with someone I can obviously have a safe future with, eventually get married (which I personally have no interest in anyway), I get that, but it’s my choice and they respect that and keep their comments to themselves when he’s around… but if I told them this then I think that would be the final thing that would just break the silence.

GAH! I’m so grumpy right now…. :puke: and I have those nasty pictures like *ENGRAVED* in my head! 🙄 When I confronted him about it he just said he didn’t know how they got there and has since basically brushed it under the table. OH! and the REAL KICKER that made it even MORE ANNOYING! It was our 2 year anniversary when I found them! :shout:

So hypothetically speaking, if something like this happened to anyone, what would you do? I mean, finding naughty pictures on the computer of your mate’s ex? On top of that, on your personal computer? I feel like I should be furious… but I’m just totally unconfortable… I don’t feel as mad as I think I should. I don’t know. I just feel weird, sort of betrayed and almost violated having them on my laptop. If I somehow recovered them…how the hell they got there in the first place is how I’d like to know. He said that he must have deleted them off of his flash drive and since it went into my recycling bin that’s how it must have happened, but he has his own computer. Why use mine?

His desktop has broke down since about 3 months ago and now he uses my laptop so they must have come into the picture in the past 3 months……….. 🙄 🙄 🙄 ARGH! This sucks.

Thank you everyone… those are ALL really good valid points to think about. I think when I get home tonight I need to have a long conversation with him.

He’s getting plenty out of the relationship like a roof over his head and transportation. I definatly admit to being a nag about though. If it was the first few months, fine okay. I can help you out… but after two years the getting your own license and drive your own self where you need to go HAS indeed become an issue.

We’re very different as far as our goals are. I want more… a better job, one that I can someday call a carreer, with that, hopefully having some more money to invest in the home, so in about 5-7 years, when the market is better I can sell it. Make a profit, use the money to move where I want to live the rest of my life and again, move forward again carreerwise and enjoy what I do and make money doing it. These were all goals in life most people share. At least I would think so. That’s one of the main purposes, to move forward, succeed and be happy with yourself and your accomplishments. At least, that’s what I want for myself.

I’ve had that conversation with Shaun many times when I’ve been bummed out around birthdays and stuff and hoping I was more ahead then I am right now in my own mind’s perspective. It’s a long drawn out plan that will have hundreds of downfalls, bad times, & difficult situations, but the whole jist of it is to just “make more of myself, then what I currently am” type of motivation.

Shaun is totally happy if things just stay the way things are forever. I’m sorry, I wouldn’t want to be 30 years old and “working at Walmart, not have a license or a car and have to depend on my girlfriend if I get into a financial pinch. He’s not dependant on me, but if he can’t pay a bill he just doesn’t care. “What’s going to happen, really? In the long run, this bill doesn’t even matter in life so if I miss one or two what’s the worst that can happen?” That’s his way of living. It’s very lax and carefree, but in the mean time it leaves me to tie up every loose end we ever have because I CAN’T be like that. I think about credit and the future… having heat and hot water. Shaun’s cure for that is blankets and cold showers if we have to and he’ll just shrug it off.

Recently we had a bicker over rent and now he wants to pay less since it’s almost his whole check now that he got fired from his old job at Home Depot with me and is making less now. Well… I’m not keeping him from applying somewhere better making more money, he is QUALIFIED to do a lot more then build fixtures at WalMart. He could be a manager, but he doesn’t want to. Why should I be penalized for having a better job with a higher pay is my argument. It makes me seem selfish in a sense, but again. It’s not like he has a car to pay for, or insurance or anything like that. Rent and cell phone. That’s all he has, and even then, he’s defaulted on 4 different cell phones since we’ve been datiing. His credit is a trainwreck. When he was a teenager he just maxed out his first credit cards and ruined his whole record before he even had one. Getting a loan for a car is not an option and there’s NO WAY I’m cosigning. I’m overextended anyway now that I have a house on my head, but it’s just the point. You make the bills, you pay them. That’s life. It’s unfortunate, but money makes the world we live in go round, and the more you make the more confortable you can live. If your unhappy… DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

But that’s just a motivation issue I have with him. I almost wish I could be happy with a life like that. Feeling stress & care free all the time? How great must that feel? If you have me to fix everything I guess it’s okay right? LOL! SO I guess that’s what HE get’s out of the relationship.

It’s not like he doesn’t pay his rent, it’s just pulling teeth and a constant “Well, why should I have any money for a car, you have it all!” Blaming me for his problems. *sigh* He looks at my Windstone collection and says I’m selfish and materialistic which annoys me. If I make the money, I should be able to enjoy it, I TRY to use it as a “Well, if you only applied yourself and got a better job, you can buy whatever you want with your extra money too” But I get more resentment then results. I tried the supportive route for the first year… now I’m just bitter about it I guess since nothing has changed in all this time. So yea, basically… his REALLY bad flaw, he’s VERY BAD with money. It could be worse though, he could hit me, cheat on me (BETTER NOT BE OR HE’LL BE DEAD), he could go out and party, do drugs, TONS of other things which he’s really good about. All my ex’s all had flaws, and I accepted that these are his a long time ago. It would be NICE if he could try and help me out a little by at least being able to drive a car. I don’t think asking him to get a license is like asking him to get a degree in rocket science. It’s a DAMN LICENSE. (gah, reliving past bickerments, haha)

In spite of all that though…I’m REALLY stubborn, I have a bad attitude, always have to get the last word in, and when I’m mad, I can say some REALLY messed up stuff tha’s VERY hurtful out of anger and spite. On top of that, YES, I am obsessed with money and bills. I’m always stressing, how can I make more money? I think almost everyone in this day and age does though. So… I know it takes alot to deal with me too, so I don’t try and fault him for his flaws as much as others may. Though they are important things, they’re things that are more easily fixed them someone addicted to drugs or something. I thin kI’m fustrated with that aspect only because it HAS been 2 years and STILL… no license. No reason why either exept he’s afraid of driving 🙄 It’s just REALLY inconvenient. He drove forklifts at Home Depot. THAT seems more scary then a car if you ask me. :shrug:

As far as a matter of trust. I DO trust him. I have to admit I’m a little shaken over the pictures, but I’ve NEVER had any reason to believe he’s been doing ANYTHING shady or behind my back. My sister is a bit of a busy body when it comes to that and if he left the house and I’m not with him she tends to keep an eye on that stuff. He would have to ride his bike or get a ride from someone other then me if he wanted to get anywhere and all of that would happen right at her front window…I think deep down she wants someone more financially secure for me too, but she also LOVES drama & gossip! He is REALLY paranoid all the time I’m the one being shady (LIKE I EVEN HAVE THE TIME! LOL! Plus I’m a terrible liar!) it makes me thing he’s paranoid because HE’S doing somthing he shouldn’t be… I also don’t know where he would find the time. I’m not easily fooled, and I think I would be aware enough to realize if something was going on. By now, there would have been some other slip up, but you bet your butt I’ll be WATCHING EVERYTHING now that this happened. At least until I am satisfied that mabe he was telling the truth and SOMEHOW stuff from his USB got onto my laptop.

Again, I don’t know why he would have been using my laptop while he had those photos though. I think that’s the “hole” in the story that is bugging me the most right now. He’s asked me for lude pictures of myself and I’ve told him HELL NO! NEVER EVER EVER!!! I have brothers and not to mention, I DON’T CARE when people say. “Oh it’s just for my eyes” HAH! Yea, well. I’m sure this girl didn’t expect me seeing these pics and this will NEVER happen to Shaun with one of his future girlfriends because they won’t exist in the first place. So he keps these cause I won’t give him any???? NOPE! Dude, the internet is FULL of porn. I understand guys are guys, and they’re going to look, but porn is different from an ex squeeze. As long at things are going okay in “THAT” part of the relationship, I expect a guy to look at porn once in a while. Just as long as they don’t cross over into that realm when they “prefer” that over the real thing… (trying not to be graphic, but you know what I mean)

I think if I talk the whole thing out calmly maybe I can either get to the bottom of this, or find out more… if there is indeed more I don’t know about.

I don’t want to be in one of those relationships I have to check people’s myspaces and emails though. THAT’S when the trust is gone… and usually at that point when it’s at the point of no return so why bother to keep hanging on.

Wow, I’m typing a lot… sorry guys. 🙁

EDIT: While I was typing I saw Jennifer’s post after

Thank you Jennifer. I didn’t know if this was appropriate for this forum, but I tried to keep it as clean as possible. You are decribing pretty much how I feel… I just can’t get an answer that will satisfy me out of him. I’ll have to have a more indepth conversation with him and make sure it doesn’t just get brushed off this time.

Well, we had our talk…. went from about quarter past 8 lastnight to almost 1 am

I think we’ve agreed to take a little bit of a “step back” I need time to gain some trust and faith back and I also gave a final ultamatium with the whole driving thing. I mean, like you said Jennifer. I don’t care if we’re both going somewhere and I drive. I’d probably prefer to anyway, but when it’s snowing out again and I have to work 2 to midnight at my job after returning from my second job at 2am that same morning, I don’t feel like getting woken up 3 hours into sleeping to have to get up and go out to drive a half an hour in 2 degree weather so Shaun can go to work. All I would hear echoing in my head would be “Well, if you want me to work, I need a way to get there SO GET UP!” Once I am AWAKE too I can NEVER fall back to sleep again. Especially in winter when it gets bright out REALLY early! When that winter chill hits you after being in a warm bed, it wakes you up pretty damn quick and then the light just keeps me awake.

There have been a few emergencies too when it just would have been nice to be able to RELY on someone OTHER then my sister to bail me out. Like when my brake lines blew on the highway and I was stranded. If she was at work and didn’t happen to have the day off to come and fetch me I would have been SCREWED!

Gah! Anyway… that is just one other issue on top of the whole thing with the nude pictures. I DO BELIEVE him that nothing is going on, BUT I also BELIEVE that those pictures weren’t a side effect from MY photorecovery program. It doesn’t make any sense. I’ll be watching that LIKE A HAWK, you better believe it! He told me she is engaged and getting married and I just snapped with a “and how the hell do you even KNOW that if you have’t been in contact with her?” He said his friend Grant told him, but I know his friends, and I know Grant…and I think the last thing on their minds is Shaun’s ex squeezes and more like when the next Magic the Gathering Tournament is coming to town or when can they get together to play X-Box and Wii and paint lead miniatures together.

Well, thank you again everyone for your advice. I really feel alot better.

I was talking with another member from the forum who I consider a real personal friend and I came to the conclusion… I think I’m the one who’s a little messed up! I wondered if I should get my head examined? I must love guys who are totally co-dependant so I feel better about myself or something. That’s all I can think of! From the outside looking in, I think I crave to be the “the provider, the one in charge, the decision maker, the most self-sufficient & totally self-reliant, & above all not depending on someone else” SO BAD, that I find guys that have no future goals of their own so it doesn’t hinder my own plans in any way as it may somehow inconvenience my own plans for myself. Now I’m questining my own motives for keeping the relationship going all this time and thinking maybe I am the one who is wrong and being selfish and untrustworthy.

*shrug* I don’t know… maybe I am just thinking WAAAAAAAAAAAY too much! 😳

EDIT: To Lokie since the post came up afterwards, well he doesn’t really use public transportation because he can’t afford using a taxi all the time and buses don’t travel during his work hours. Not right now anyway. He’s working 6 am right now and they don’t start in this area until 8am.

I have asked him straight out “Are you afraid or something? You don’t have to be ashamed, just tell me.” He get’s quiet and I don’t know if he thinks his nuts are too big to admit he’s scared or what. He won’t say he is, but always just tells me that he’s gotten along without one this long so what’s the point in even having one at this point? Then he says that once you get a car, and have to pay insurance, we would have even less money then we just payed for the gas for me to drive him instead.

I try to use the … well you can drive to places that have better jobs and have better pay so you have the opportunity to make more money. That’s how it works. He’s happy with how things are so why bother changing it basically… that fact it inconveniences the hell out of me doesn’t get factored into the equation. Plus there is maitenence and upkeep, all things he has no interest in doing to a vehicle.

After about 2 hours of that is about when I say… you know the BEST thing about being able to drive! and when he replies, what’s that? I can grab my keys, peel out of the driveway and LEAVE! XD