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I stumbled across this – it’s for all the trekkies on the forum! Although I take issue with number 51…
1. When Data died, Picard had a funeral. When Spock died, Kirk reconstituted the body, forced it’s soul back in, and even got him laid along the way.
2. When Picard senses that Wesley is having emotional problems he sits down and talks with him about it. When Kirk sensed that Charlie X was having emotional problems he took him to the gym and threw him around on the mats until he got over it.
3. When Picard went back in time he brought back Data’s head. When Kirk went back in time he brought back a blonde.
4. Picard’s Enterprise was destroyed by a couple of Klingon chicks while he was stranded on a desert planet. Kirk’s Enterprise was destroyed when he blew up a crew of Klingons, stole their ship, and resurrected Spock from the dead.
5. Kirk has caused computers to self-destruct by out-thinking them on three separate occasions.
6. When Picard was in the Academy he got stabbed in the heart. When Kirk was in the Academy he beat the unbeatable Kobyoshi Maru scenario and bagged Carol Marcus in his spare time.
7. When Sisko met Picard he told him he hated him. When Sisko met Kirk he got his autograph.
8. Kirk does not play the flute.
9. Picard is from France.
10. When Picard has a problem he talks to Guinan about it. When Kirk has a problem he shoots it.
11. When Kirk screams it echoes across the entire planet.
12. When Kirk blew up the Enterprise, Starfleet built him another one and had it ready by the time he got home.
13. Kirk collects antique guns. Picard collects antique matrioshka nesting dolls.
14. Kirk chastises omni-powerful super beings for not being polite to women.
15. Kirk sword fights someone on a regular basis.
16. Kirk’s Enterprise did not have a day care.
17. Kirk once ordered Scotty to fire a photon torpedo on his position and then he dodged out of the way so it hit the alien he was fighting.
18. Kirk has a violently deadly disease in his blood but he doesn’t let it slow him down any.
19. When it’s time for shore leave Kirk goes rock climbing and drinks whiskey. Picard wears nut smashing banana hammock speedos and reads by the pool.
20. Picard’s name is known and respected throughout Klingon space. Kirk’s name is cursed and vilified.
21. The only Klingon serving on Kirk’s bridge would be a dead one.
22. Kirk jumps horses in his spare time. Picard owns a fish.
23. Kirk would never allow an “acting ensign” to lock out his command codes.
24. Picard quotes Shakespeare for fun. Kirk quotes Shakespeare to intimidate his enemies.
25. Kirk’s jump kick projects 650 pounds of blunt force.
26. Kirk once made a cannon that shot diamonds.
27. Kirk defies superior alien beings on an almost daily basis.
28. When the evil aliens use a stun ray on the crew, Kirk always stays conscious for a minimum of 15 seconds longer than everyone else.
29. Kirk is on a first name basis with every single admiral in Starfleet.
30. Kirk once said: “You’re the Captain’s woman till he says your not.”
31. When Sarek mind melded with Picard, Picard cried a lot. When Sarek mind melded with Kirk, Kirk decided to hijack the Enterprise and bring Spock back from the dead.
32. Kirk can shoulder roll at 127 miles per hour.
33. Picard’s engineer wears goofy wrap-around sunglasses. Kirk’s engineer wears a kilt and can drink you under the table.
34. If Picard’s engineer has a headache it’s because he wore his Visor for too long. If Kirk’s engineer has a headache it’s because he has a hangover.
35. Kirk looks good in sideburns. Really good.
36. Picard drinks tea. Kirk drinks Saurian Brandy straight from the bottle.
37. Kirk mocks Federation bureaucrats that he doesn’t like and then proves that their aids are Klingon spies, just to make the point.
38. Kirk once became an Indian god with the power to resurrect the dead.
39. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at chess.
40. Kirk’s love affairs extend not only across space but across time as well.
41. Kirk’s dress uniform does not actually look like a dress.
42. Kirk looks good in a ripped shirt, and he knows it.
43. Kirk repopulated the Earth’s once extinct humpbacked whale species.
44. When Picard wants the ship to go faster he calls down to engineering and asks to go faster. When Kirk wants the ship to go faster he sling-shots it around the sun.
45. When Klingons invaded Picard’s Enterprise he carefully neutralized them. When Klingons invaded Kirk’s Enterprise he had a massive sword fight with them.
46. Kirk has fought evil duplicates of himself on numerous occasions, always with screaming involved.
47. Kirk’s greatest nemesis was the genetically superior ruler of over a quarter of the Earth. Picard’s greatest nemesis likes to dress like him and occasionally cause inconvenience.
48. Kirk has punched out at least one member of over three thousand known alien races.
49. Kirk would never allow his first officer to get more tail than he does.
50. No matter what world Picard goes to, Kirk was there first and probably has an illegitimate child somewhere on the planet.
51. Everyone knows the phrase “Beam me up, Scotty!” The phrase, “Energize whenever you are ready, Mr. La Forge,” doesn’t exactly have the same notoriety.
52. Picard’s first officer is named after a bathroom code.
53. Kirk once yelled, “No blah-blah-blah! No blah-blah-blah!” and made it sound important.
54. Kirk’s hand phaser is sleek and sexy. Picard’s hand phaser looks like a Hoover dirt devil.
55. When Kirk wants to talk to the Enterprise he flips open his communicator dramatically. When Picard wants to talk to the Enterprise he has to tweak his own nipple.
56. Kirk’s youth was spent doing back breaking work on a farm in Iowa. Picard’s youth was spent squishing grapes with his toes in France.
57. Kirk fought the Greek god Apollo. And won.
58. The women on Picard’s ship wear long pants. On Kirk’s ship, miniskirts are mandatory.
59. Kirk’s middle name is Tiberius.
60. It runs in the family: Picard’s brother died trapped in a fire. Kirk’s brother died fighting swarms of alien invaders.
61. When Data hijacked the Enterprise, Picard was helpless to stop him. When Spock hijacked the Enterprise Kirk fought him to the death.
62. Kirk’s medical officer prescribes hard liquor as a cure all.
63. Kirk has heavy calluses on his right index finger from pressing the trigger on his phaser so many times.
64. When Kirk gets punched in the face he just wipes the blood off his lip and looks at it with a smirk.
65. Picard once wore formal Klingon robes for a Klingon ceremony. If Kirk ever wore Klingon robes it would be because he took them off a dead Klingon.
66. Kirk chops his own firewood.
67. Kirk once led a Mafia take over.
68. Kirk would have slept with Beverly Crusher by episode two.
69. In the episode “The Trouble With Tribbles” the tribbles bred at such a fast rate not because of instinct but because they were in the presence of Kirk.
70. When Deanna Troi talks about what she’s feeling, Picard listens carefully and thanks her for her input. Kirk would have called it “pillow talk.”
71. The emotional content level of Kirk’s speeches is an average of 782 times higher than the level of Picard’s speeches. If he’s talking about revolution, exploration or diversity, it is 1,089 times higher.
72. When Picard has an alien delegation on board he invites them to a quiet dinner. When Kirk has an alien delegation on board he gets plowed on Romulan Ale.
73. Kirk is familiar with 20th century slang.
74. The main computer on Kirk’s Enterprise once hit on him.
75. Kirk faced off against Wyatt Earp at the O.K. Corral and won.
76. Picard is a Frenchman with an English accent.
77. Kirk only requires thirty-two minutes of sleep a day.
78. Kirk eats multicolored nutrition squares because he’s too busy fighting stuff to eat a normal meal.
79. Kirk destroyed 672 uniform tunics during the Enterprise’s first five year mission.
80. 347 of those tunics were destroyed during combat with Klingons. The rest were destroyed by various women.
81. When Picard fought the Borg he got assimilated. When Kirk fought the Borg he blew up their planet.
82. When Kirk was sent to the prison camp on Rura Penthe he hadn’t bathed or changed his clothes in days and was wearing animal carcasses for warmth but Iman still threw herself at him the moment he arrived.
83. When Abraham Lincoln appeared floating in space in front of the Enterprise, Kirk didn’t even blink.
84. Kirk can break out of any jail cell that is located anywhere in time or space within one hour. Within one half hour if Spock is with him.
85. When Kirk disguised himself as a Romulan, he stole a cloaking device and used it to escape to Federation space. When Picard disguised himself as a Romulan he ate some soup and then got captured.
86. Denny Crane.
87. 87% of all Klingon opera is about the singer’s desire to kill Kirk.
88. The other 13% of all Klingon opera is about the singer’s desire to be killed by Kirk in glorious battle.
89. Kirk once taught an emotionless female android how to love. Then he broke up with her.
90. Kirk’s evil twin womanized and swilled brandy. Picard’s evil twin liked to have his scalp massaged by Ron Perlman.
91. Even though they haven’t existed for hundreds of years, Kirk can still sort of drive a stick shift.
92. Kirk never dressed in green tights and pretended to be Robin Hood, and if he had, someone would have paid for it.
93. Even though Kirk often pauses between words, no one ever dares interrupt him.
94. Kirk went to the center of the universe, met god and wasn’t impressed.
95. When Kirk says “boldly go,” he means it.
96. “KHHHAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!!!”
97. Kirk blatantly disobeys one out of every five Starfleet orders just to remind them who’s really minding the store.
98. Starfleet estimates that the average Klingon has a 36% chance of being killed by Kirk at some point in their lifetime, regardless of their age, profession, location or social status.
99. Kirk once kicked a Klingon into the molten core of an exploding planet.
100. Style: Kirk did it first, he did it better and he did it wearing gold velour and Beatle-boots with a space girl on each arm.
BUT William Shatner can’t act!!!
Besides all that was up to the writers back then. Picard can’t help it if the scripts got lameThat was great! #51 had me laughing out loud.
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http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htmI wish I knew who wrote it but it’s great. 42 cracks me up – how many shows did Shatner end up with a torn shirt? My favorite time was when he walks onto the bridge and McCoy rips his shirt to administer a hypo spray. It is the ONLY time McCoy needed bare skin – every other time he just goes through the uniform.
I wonder if the apposite list exists….hmmm…..
Ok, I found the list but I think Kirk’s is better (probably because it’s true! 😀 ). I’m going to have to modify #34, however.
101 Reasons Why Picard Is Better Than Kirk
1. Kirk was a leader of followers. That’s the only reason he (almost) got away with it.
2. Picard’s worst episodes were originally written for Kirk.
3. Picard discovers new life, new civilizations and strange new worlds, not discarded movie sets from period 1950’s dramas.
4. Picard can act out entire Shakespearean plays, not merely remember 1 or 2 lines.
5. Picard can get his ship to orbit a planet in both directions.
6. Picard would never ever date a shape-shifter who had previously morphed into a little girl.
7. Picard doesn’t need to wear glasses.
8. Picard has so much back-bone Starfleet designers had to cut out a section of his command chair for it all to fit in.
9. Picard didn’t have to reprogram a computer to give him better grades in order to graduate from Starfleet Academy.
10. Picard has to contend with crap Starfleet Admirals. If he stole a starship, he’d get vaporized, not given captaincy of a new one like in the easy old days.
11. Picard commands his ship using the big head.
12. Picard has a ship whose engines can take it.
13. Three words: seven whole seasons.
14. Picard never uses Grecian 2000.
15. Picard has to contend with the “Prime Directive” – a ruling imposed on him by Starfleet after they saw what a complete shambles resulted when they let Kirk meet new alien races.
16. The only way Picard would allow tribbles on his ship would be as hors d’oeuvres.
17. Picard never met Joan Collins.
18. Picard’s bridge doesn’t sound like an aviary.
19. Picard participates in the odd archaeological dig. Kirk would make a suitable subject for one.
20. One question: to which Captain would you entrust the safety of your daughter?
21. Picard is far too cool to beam down to a planet, strip to his waist and wrestle with some guy in a rubber lizard suit. He lets his First Officer do all that for him.
22. Picard never shot his best friend’s body into space in a photon torpedo.
23. Kirk probably thinks a concerto is a kind of ice cream dessert.
24. Picard doesn’t need hair – real or not.
25. Picard’s crew are too sophisticated to be taken over by a bunch of women in go-go boots and have the most intelligent person aboard controlled by a box that has less buttons than a Super Nintendo joypad.
26. One word: SQUISHED (what would happen to Kirk and his ship had he met the Borg and tried to deal with them in the same manner as he deals with most other things).
27. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth’s whale population. Just goes to show how questionable his sexual practices really are.
28. If their situations were reversed, Kirk would probably nail Troi. Picard has standards.
29. Kirk can just about drive a stick-shift. Picard sells Pontiacs during the commercial break.
30. Picard has a real bar aboard his ship.
31. Picard would never have let his second in command irradiate himself in the engine room.
32. While Kirk did make most of the decisions aboard his ship, this was only because advice from his crew was almost exclusively limited to “That’s illogical Captain”, “It’s worse than that, he’s dead, Jim”, “It’s life, but not as we know it…” and “Klingons on the starboard bow.” Small wonder really.
33. Unlike Kirk’s, Picard’s middle name doesn’t sound like an infectious disease.
34. You’d never have to clean Picard’s DNA (edited by ddvm) out of the holodeck after he’d used it.
35. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulfur, potassium nitrate & charcoal and used it to fire diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. Picard is a starship captain, not MacGyver.
36. Picard has only stooped to the dire act of feigning illness to attract a guard’s attention once.
37. Kirk has to fight Klingons to get his way. Picard only has to tell them what to do.
38. Picard would never wear eye makeup. Ever.
39. Picard has a small, convenient hands-free communicator, not a Fisher Price spin-n-whizz baby toy.
40. Picard would never let himself get turned into a woman.
41. Picard and his crew can solve a week’s mystery in 44 minutes flat. Kirk used to take 50 plus.
42. Picard never has to sign an Etch-a-Sketch attendance register kept by Yeomans with hair like a helter-skelter.
43. Picard never cries in front of his crew when one of them gets killed.
44. Picard never has pretentious episode titles like, “For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky”.
45. Kirk is so boring he’s caused several computers to self-destruct merely by talking to them.
47. Picard knows how to make a starship last. Kirk has gone through 3 already; that’s a trifle careless.
48. Picard’s engineers never lie to him about how long it takes to fix something, because no one, not even Starfleet engineers, mess with Picard.
49. Okay, so Picard is French. But at least he speaks with an English accent.
50. Picard chews out Klingons. Kirk chews on Klingons.
51. Picard can climb rocks without falling off.
52. Picard’s uniform fits. Particularly around the midriff.
53. Picard had a large serrated knife pushed into his back, through his heart and out his chest…. and he just Laughed at it!!
54. Kirk fights like Adam West.
55. Picard blows up another starship more than once a season.
56. Picard never has Russians aboard his ship. Kirk has one at the helm.
57. Picard never has to put bits of Lego into his computers to make them work.
58. Picard made sure all the beds in his sickbay looked even more uncomfortable than Kirk’s so he’d have fewer slackers.
59. Picard’s phaser fires a burst of potentially lethal energy. It does not fire a stream of red felt-tip pen.
60. Women chase Picard. Kirk has to go out and bag his (except for the ones with green skin.)
61. Picard never needs a pessimistic Scotty to beam him out of the crap when things get ugly.
62. When Picard has a holiday he goes home, gets drunk and brawls. Kirk sits at a camp-fire toasting marshmallows while singing “Row, row, row, your boat” .
63. Picard ate Romulan soup and didn’t even flinch. Much.
64. The Klingons in Kirk’s day were real wusses.
65. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
66. Picard’s girlfriends just look good. In any light.
67. Picard once sent an entire ship full of people through a worm-hole to their certain doom. And just because his bartender suggested it might be a laugh to do so.
68. Picard doesn’t need to jump through big stone doughnuts to travel in time.
69. Remember the time when the Captain of the Enterprise was a slow-moving, monosyllabic automaton with a funny name? But enough about Kirk, wasn’t Picard terrific as a Borg?
70. Kirk only managed to make himself look relatively attractive by carefully selecting his crew; contrast is everything.
71. Picard has only ever gone crazy once, and then he did something really cool like draw a smiley face in the cloud emanating from a warp core explosion.
72. Picard would never let his son get killed by Klingons.
73. Two words: Command presence.
74. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he’d probably try to mate with it.
75. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked around Sherwood Forest. Kirk has no sense of humour.
76. Kirk’s First Officer played some form of Vulcan harp, an instrument that makes the trombone look like just about the most macho thing this side of Kirk’s wig.
77. How many innocent yellow-shirted security officers have been killed by crazed aliens who had taken pot shots at them in the mistaken belief that they were actually shooting at Kirk.
78. Kirk commands his ship as if he’s driving a tractor across an Iowa wheat field.
79. When Picard was 37, he was the Captain of the lowly ‘Stargazer’. Starfleet soon learned the value of “progressive experience” having witnessed the disastrous consequences of letting someone take charge of a real ship when their previous vehicular experience extended only as far as driving a tractor across an Iowa wheat field.
80. If Kirk had a doctor like Beverly Crusher, Starfleet would have to relocate the command chair to sick-bay.
81. Picard has more than one token black on his crew.
82. Picard isn’t afraid to go places without a security team.
83. Picard doesn’t wear pansy sailor-boy markings on his cuffs.
84. Picard has shuttlecraft that can travel faster than Kirk’s ship.
85. Picard would never have said “He’s had too much LDS”.
86. Picard never has to say stupid things like, “I…am a Gr’up!” in front of young teenage girls who fancy him.
87. Picard was actually in his own show’s pilot episode.
88. Picard never visits planets that look suspiciously like a Californian desert.
89. Picard won’t spend his retirement writing science fiction books or making cameo appearances in Zemeckis & Zemeckis films.
90. Picard was never demoted to a lieutenant in the L.A. Police Department.
91. Picard’s doctor doesn’t have to keep reminding him what her job is.
92. Picard doesn’t have to operate his turbo lifts using hand pumps.
93. Picard’s main viewer is a 200 inch hi-definition TV with Nicam and Pro-Logic surround-sound.
94. Picard’s ego wouldn’t demand $7 million for a 10 minute appearance in a movie.
95. Picard can spend more than 15 minutes on a planet before being shot at or locked up.
96. Picard’s ship was never taken over by a door-to-door salesman.
97. If the Borg had assimilated Kirk, they wouldn’t have learned anything.
98. Picard’s First Officer eats the things that attack Kirk in alien forests.
99. Picard would never attack his own ship.
100. Imagine you have to impose your authority: “This is Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Now introduce yourself as “James Tiberius Kirk, but you can call me Jim.” See the difference?
101. Who ever heard of the Patrick Stewart foundation?I could never sit through a whole episode of Star Trek… though I’m sure when it was out originally, it seemed less hokey. I much prefer ST:TNG though. Picard I’d want to talk with… Kirk… I’d want to punch in the face.
But Chuck Norris is better than both!
I could date Parick Stewart. Yum 😛
I don’t think I could live with myself if I dated Kirk. Ewwwww. Talk about feeling dirty!I prefer Picard, and I object to #22…Picard rides horses in his spare time too, whomever wrote up the list obviously doesn’t pay attention.
Killing more aliens or having affairs with them, doesn’t make you better.
It shows the difference between Picard and Kirk, Kirk is an immature child who thinks violence is the answer, and Picard is a grown up who knows violence doesn’t solve anything.
As for Picard’s nemisis…I love him…and sometimes he has done things that are way more than inconvient…after all, Q once threw them to the Borg, that was really really bad.
Kyrin
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