reunion

Oh wow. Um, ok–so my stepdad Jeff calls, while we’re on the road back from dropping off maggie, a girl I used to babysit, who got to come for a visit this weekend. And he says there’s someone there who wants to talk to me. Asks me to guess. I’m totally clueless, and hate guessing games anyway, so he tells me. My SISTER!!!! I havent seen my sister for five years, because she lives with my mother, who is violent and abusive. I dont recall how many nights I spent worrying over my sister and brother, wondering if they were ok, and if my mother beat them and hurt them the way she did me.
So, we speed home, and I throw some stuff in a suitcase and haul butt to get there. I’m a nervous wreck the whole way, wishing it were a shorter drive. I get there and Jessica, my little sister, who I fed and cared for and changed her diapers when our mother was hardly ever home, she grew up. There she was, taller than me, and nearly full grown. She had run away, because our mother had been doing the same to her as had been done to me. She was so big! We’re nine years apart agewise, and she wont turn 18 til november. I had wondered and wondered, “do they ever think about me? are they ok? is she hurting them? if I had been smarter before disappearing from home, could I have gotten them out?” I could tell she was nervous about seeing me, til I grabbed her and squeezed her half to death while bawling. Oh god I cant describe what it was to finally see her again. We talked about a lot of things, she has some of the same emotional issues I have, and will always struggle with the “why” a mother can be so cold, hateful and cruel.
Jeff has all the legal stuff working out. There’s a hearing on the 19th of march, and I’ll have to be there. It will decide custody, and of course my mother is trying to charge Jessica with a boatload of charges which are nonexistent, we’re not worried about those. But I’m terrified to see my mother again. I’ve been terrified for years that I would run into her somewhere or something. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. I WILL do this for Jessica. I’ll be damned if I let her be put back into that house to be hurt again. I know that there will be people there and she wont be able to hurt me, but there’s a deeper fear, just of being in the room with her. Send me thoughts of strength, I’m going to need it.

My brother wont be able to be gotten out til he says he wants to be elsewhere or runs away. Which is so much easier said than done. I know from experience it’s terrifying to run away, not knowing if the system will put bring you back, to a situation made even worse. They did me, even though I had scalp ripped off, a concussion and a black eye. They just said my mother needed counseling. 😕