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St. Patrick's Day

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  • #552636

    I don’t know how big this is celebrated over there, since it’s of no importance here. But I like the idea and the colors, so I wanted to wish everyone a nice, relaxed St. Pat’s Day and share some pass-along jokes I got by e-mail.

    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”
    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
    Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
    The man said, “I do, Father.”
    The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
    Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
    “Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
    “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.
    Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
    O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”
    The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
    O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

    Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
    “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
    “Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
    He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
    “Just water,” says the priest.
    The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
    The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

    Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”
    “Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”
    “When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.
    “Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
    She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”

    Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
    Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
    In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
    She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”
    Flynn said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”
    “Well,” Mary said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

    #490154

    #552637

    😆 😆 😆

    #552638
    NirvanaCat13
    Participant

      ROFLMAO! That last one was BAAAAD!!!

      #552639
      Anonymous

        Greater Basilisk wrote:

        I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.

        Best joke I have heard in a long time.

        #552640
        Skigod377
        Participant

          Those were great! I love the hiding under the bed one !! 😆 😆

          #552641
          wolflodge100
          Participant

            thanks for the laughs! 😆

            #552642

            You’re welcome! 😀

            #552643
            Starbreeze
            Participant

              Thanks a million, GB!!! My favorites were the 2nd one and the last one 😆 😆 😆

              And a Happy St. Paddy’s Day to ya!!!!

              #552644
              Bob

                I like the last one best

                #552645
                NirvanaCat13
                Participant

                  So….who wasn’t wearing green yesterday?!?!?!

                  *pinch!*

                  And who got completely sloshed? =P

                  #552646
                  Bob

                    yes on green no on sloshed. I was working OT finally but only 8 hours

                    #552647
                    NirvanaCat13
                    Participant

                      Dragon Master wrote:

                      yes on green no on sloshed. I was working OT finally but only 8 hours

                      That’s better than nothing!

                      #552648
                      Starbreeze
                      Participant

                        Yes to green, no to sloshed 😆

                        #552649

                        Nirvanacat13 wrote:

                        So….who wasn’t wearing green yesterday?!?!?!

                        *pinch!*

                        And who got completely sloshed? =P

                        I wore camo to the building site (best work pants). Does that count?

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