Dealing With Losing A Pet

[Dragoneer_88]

Seems a lot of people have been losing their pets lately. How do you deal with the loss of a pet?

I’m having a hard time adjusting since losing my sweet girl a few months ago. She was my first dog. I’ve cried every day since her loss. As strange as it may seem…I feel it’s more difficult for me to cope with losing her than my mother. I guess it’s because everyone in the family was hurt losing our mother. There was a support system and I had someone to talk to that was going through the same struggles. Losing my dog was a very personal thing and I’m the only one in my family devastated by her loss.

Recently, I was told I needed to “move on” and “let her go”. Honestly, I get super ticked when I hear that. It’s not like it was just some bad relationship I can toss into the wind and forget about. In a way, she was like my child. It’s hard working through this alone.

Many nights I have nightmares and I wake up crying. They’re physically and emotionally draining and they make the rest of the day hell. I even have daydreams where I involuntarily remember the day I lost her.

She hated the vet office. In her last moments I stood in front of her. She was tired and sick but her eyes wide with fear as she was stuck with the needle, and then she collapsed on the table, gone within 2 seconds. It happened too fast for me. They asked me if I wanted to take her body. I said I can’t take her because I live in an apartment and have nowhere to burry her. They said she would be taken to the animal shelter and creamated. I couldn’t afford the creamation services to have her ashes sent back to me. Rumor had it some places just give you any ashes and say it was your pet.

Anyway, I felt she was with me in spirit for a few days. Then, I was driving in my car and a random image of her being ripped away and yelping in fear popped into my head. I don’t know if it was my brain realizing she was really gone or some negative spiritual thing. I certainly hope it was my brain making up stupid scenerios. If there is an afterlife, I just want her (and my mom) to be okay. After that, I didn’t feel her presence anymore and that stupid thought mentioned above haunts me.

I’ve heard people say they have dreams of their loved ones, human and / or animal, coming to them in dreams in good ways or seeing some kind of positive “sign” letting them know their deceased loved ones were okay and they find peace in these dreams and “signs”. A former friend told me she had positive dream of her gradmother right after losing her. I’m jealous. All I ever have is nightmares, constant nightmares. For example, my mom is alive but she dies a different way each time. It’s been 7 years since I lost my mom. My dog…I actually had dreams about her dying while she was alive. Now, she really is gone. If my loved ones have ever sent me positive “signs”, I must be too dumb to see them or they’re not there. Although, I have a knack for being able to catch the time 11 minutes after several times a day, every day, and more than any other time on the clock. I worry 11 is not a good number or maybe it is or it means nothing as far as “signs” are concerned. I should mention I’m not on any medication and I don’t eat spicy food before bed so my nightmares are not caused by anything like that.

Back to the rest of the story. I later found out from an online review, left by a former volunteer, the animal shelter had no respect for the bodies of deceased animals. They let them rot in a trash bags until they had enough to justify running the incinerator. It was said the employees just dragged the bodies around like they were common trash. I’d like to believe the body is just an empty shell after death. However, wondering, maybe knowing, they treated my beloved dog of 14 years body this way…I wish so much I could have done something respectful with her body. She deserved respect. I didn’t have the resources to give her body a proper send off. All I could do was build a little shrine on one of my curio shelves.

Normally, I would post personal things like this. It’s been a tough year and I just needed to reach out for advice beyond google searches. Thank you.

 

[Bodine]

Oh dear,my heart goes out to you more than you know.I have no good advice on this but I do know we all have to grieve in our own way.I lost my Gandalf four years ago and I still cry.I tear up and choke up everytime I think of him and can’t talk about him without fighting back the tears.Many people have never made a bond so strong that they just don’t get it but we do.I have no idea how long it will take you to stop crying,hearing and feeling your beloved pet around but be thankful in a strange way.I would swear I heard Gandalf at my door and felt him beside me for the longest until recently.It makes me sad to think he has finally gone and it breaks my heart to this day.I actually have gone to the door to let him in because I swear I heard his whine to be let in many times since he left me.I knew he was gone but I still went and looked.I felt him near for the longest and it was comforting and painful at the same time.I wish the best with your recovery,may it be swift but if it isn’t,know they are still near and will go when it’s time.This is my belief anyway.I lost his daughter recently and it brought all that pain back so I guess it never really leaves us, we just have to learn how to go on without them.I am lucky,I have many other furries to help but never will my dearest Gandalf ever be replaced.I am so sorry for your lost and I wish you much strength.That’s all we have.You are blessed to have had them and their love.Many hugz from the heart.

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[Dragoneer_88]

Thank you, Bodine. I’m sorry for your losses. The hardest part about having a pet is knowing they won’t live long. I wish you the best in dealing with your losses as well. We will never get over a loss. All we can do is adjust. It’ll take a long time to adjust. It’s a very personal thing only other pet owners that formed a strong bond with their furbabies understand. It’s like a part of you dies with your pet. As odd as it sounds, it’s helpful to know others are going through the same thing.

Ah, I found a typo in the last paragraph of my post. I meant to say I WOULDN’T post such a personal thing not WOULD. I can’t edit my original post.

[Natasha]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been heartbroken over lost pets, too. I wouldn’t put any meaning to nightmares. If you’re stressed and sad, you’re more likely to have them, and of course they will take the form of what will upset you most. I had terrible nightmares, every night for decades, but when I finally got medicated for an unrelated issue, they stopped. It might be worthwhile looking into meds if you find yourself struggling with nightmares nightly.

Have you considered getting a new pet? Animals are every bit as different as people are personality wise, but it can help to have a new creature to focus on, learn, and take care of. I know many people who have adopted an animal that was in need as a way to honor the memory of their pet who passed on. If that doesn’t seem emotionally or financially feasible to you, you could volunteer at an animal shelter. Just being around the energy of animals can be very healing, and you might be able to look at that as a sort of living memorial to your pet who passed on.

No matter what you do, I hope you feel better soon, and that the sadness fades enough that you can remember the good times with less tears.

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[Jennifer]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I too have nightmares, sometimes years (decades!) later, about pets I’ve lost. I’m going though it right now, as I just lost a truly beloved hen, and it’s a lonely grief to struggle through because even though some people understand grief over a dog or cat, no one can understand my grief over my chicken. After struggling with illness for months, we had to euthanize her as she was beginning to suffer. I won’t get detailed but going through that (and not for the first time) in person… it’s really rough to see, that’s all I will say. The imagery of her last moments, and the poor other pets I’ve had this experience with, also stays with me and haunts me. I get the nightmares!

But… as Natasha said, do not put weight to your nightmares. They are indeed often the product of stress, depression, sadness, and anxiety. Experience and live your grief as you need to, for yourself, but don’t punish yourself by making your dreams out to be more than what they are.

The only things that help me cope are knowing my other animals need me too. Volunteering at a shelter, rescue, or animal rehabilitator can help. If that’s not possible (I personally live too far away from the place I’d like to volunteer 🙁 ) I find that creative outlets help. Even if you are not an artist, writing or drawing about your pet can be therapeutic. You don’t need to show anyone unless you want to… it’s for your benefit, not anyone else’s.

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[Jennifer]

Sometimes it helps to share photos and/or stories of the good times with people. You have support here if you wish to do so!

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[bayoudragon]

I am so so sorry for your loss.  You definitely do NOT have to “move on”.  I lost all 4 of my pack within 14 months.  By the time I let the last one go, I was completely numb.  That year was complete hell.

I was very lucky for the first 3 and had doggie hospice come to my house.  The vet gave me all the time I needed.  She was awesome and really respected the bond between pet and owner.  The exception was for the last one.  She was with my Mother-in-Law at the time and was taken in to a different vet.  It was happening so fast, and I wanted to yell, “WAIT!”  It was very rushed, and I definitely felt the difference.  It was very cold and impersonal.  No respect for the bond.

From what it sounds like, they did not give you enough time.  This could explain your vision of her being ripped away.  I agree with Jennifer.  Writing or drawing can help with the grieving process.  I still have a doggie alter, complete with pictures, gemstones, and incense.  It took about 4 years to “heal” before I even considered getting another pet.  It’s better now, but I still miss them (and sometimes still cry).  You will always miss them, because that’s what it means to have such a strong bond.  And yes, when people tell you to move on, it makes one angry.  Then I realized something… I started to pity these people because they’ve never experienced such a strong bond with an animal before.  I really do pity them.

Take time to grieve.  It’s hard, and it really sucks dealing with the pain, but allow yourself this.  There were times in the first year with my new boy, Butch, that I felt guilty.  Not just loss, but guilt.  Guilty for getting a new dog, guilty for STILL crying over my gone pack, guilty for wondering if I did something wrong.  It was messy, but I realized these were emotions that I had to face.  I still hold vigil for my pack, Butch sometimes at my side.  The pack was the pack, and Butch is Butch.  You can never replace them.  All you can do is just start a new chapter (when you’re ready).  Realizing this has helped quite a bit.

There are many animal lovers here.  Do not be afraid to ask for help!

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[Dragoneer_88]

Thanks everyone for the kind words. I really needed them right now. It’s difficult to talk about this and my condolences for your losses too. A beloved pet is a beloved pet no matter the form it takes. It’s sad more people don’t feel this when losing a cherished furry friend. It certainly helps to know there are others out there that feel like I do, especially when your (my) family thinks you’re (I’m) overreacting.

[LadyFirebird]

I feel for your loss – it is so hard to lose a pet. To tell someone they have to ‘move on’ gets me as well. It’s like your grief isn’t justified and it’s an inconvenience to these people. You grief as long as you need to and guess what, years later you still feel the loss.

I recently lost one of my birds, a female Eclectus parrot named BeBe. It happened so quickly – she had a heart attack and died in my arms. I still feel the loss of a beloved dog named Percy – that was 6 years ago and he helped me through the loss of my husband. I don’t think I’d be here if it wasn’t for that little dog. His spirit is still in this house; in fact, I woke up one night and saw something black and furry lie down on the bed. I felt that was Percy sleeping with me like he always had.

Our pets give us unconditional love — no matter what we look like, they love and accept us for who we are. When they go, they leave a huge hole in your heart. Sadly, most people don’t understand that – feel sorry for them because they’ve never known the close, unconditional love of a pet.

My heart goes out to you. Time will soften the blow but you will never forget.

[Dragoneer_88]

So sorry for the loss of your animals and husband LadyFirebird. It’s traumatic watching their life go right in front of you. You were there for them and I like to think they took comfort in their final moments knowing this.

I guess what some people don’t understand is when a pet dies, a part of you does too and everything from now on has changed in a negative way. Like you, my dog helped me through some very difficult times, which I’m dealing with again. While I understand most people don’t care about our pets personally, they should at least care how we feel about it if the truely care about us. The loss of my sweet girl has cause rift between me and my sister to reach a breaking point. It was a long time coming though. I found this opinion article about pet loss that kind of sums up why it’s so difficult.

http://m.huffingtonpost.ca/angela-hartlin/losing-a-pet_b_5827058.html

I especially like this excerpt.

 

[Ela_Hara]

Amen.
Empathy is Empathy, no matter what or who was lost. It is heartfelt and compassionate to care and recognize another’s feelings of grief and loss, and just ‘being there’ for them is the greatest gift one can hope to give at such a time.

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